Happy Halloween!

Your unbelievably long poem for the day:

(You can skip to the end if you want to read the actual post for the day...)

Halloween (in part)

by Robert Burns

Upon that night, when fairies light
On Cassilis Downans dance,
Or owre the lays, in splendid blaze,
On sprightly coursers prance;
Or for Colean the route is ta'en,
Beneath the moon's pale beams;
There, up the cove, to stray and rove,
Among the rocks and streams
To sport that night.

Among the bonny winding banks,
Where Doon rins, wimplin' clear,
Where Bruce ance ruled the martial ranks,
And shook his Carrick spear,
Some merry, friendly, country-folks,
Together did convene,
To burn their nits, and pou their stocks,
And haud their Halloween
Fu' blithe that night.

The lasses feat, and cleanly neat,
Mair braw than when they're fine;
Their faces blithe, fu' sweetly kythe,
Hearts leal, and warm, and kin';
The lads sae trig, wi' wooer-babs,
Weel knotted on their garten,
Some unco blate, and some wi' gabs,
Gar lasses' hearts gang startin'
Whiles fast at night.

So Let's Talk

about yesterday when I took the trash bag out.

I had Livvie in her high chair eating cheerios. I opened the kitchen door to the deck, and my plan was to set the trash can out there until she was done, and then i'd remove the bag and take it to the dumpster.

So I walk the can out, about 3 feet from where I had stood in the house, and CLICK.

Yeah. The locked door had slammed shut behind me. WITH my child in her highchair.

Panic. OMG. What the fuck is going to happen if I can't get in the house and my kid has ro spend the rest of her day in the high chair? What if she gets pissed enough to cause herself to tip over and cracks the floor with her head? What if I NEVER GET IN????

So I dragged a stool over to the window, which is right behind said high chair. I managed to push the window open but there was nothing with which to prop it. So I climbed onto the stool and managed to get one leg in. The window shut on my leg. I pushed it up again and managed to get my chest and neck in. The window shut fairly quickly on my neck. So NOW I'm having fantasies that I will end up decapitated and the police will find my body on the outside of the house and my head rolling around livvie's high chair.

I finally manage to get the damn window up again and get most of my second leg through. The window SLAMS shut on my sneaker. I cannot get that foot out of the window, and I can't even turn around to try.

My kid? STill eating cheerios in her high chair.

So I finally manage to twist my body quite painfully around and use one hand to get the window back open. I extract my foot without clipping Livvie in the back of the head, and I turn around.

Both of our dogs are hiding in the living room. They had jumped the baby gate to get away to safety.

Update on the Hostage

I spent most of the day chucking used, rolled up diapers onto him ( a couple of times I actually beaned him) before I just called it a day and took the bag out of the can and threw it in the dumpster.

He did NOT die.

Apparently they can live without oxygen for quite some time.

I'll bet they're the sole population of Jupiter.

First Thing in The Morning Part 2

Ok, so I get up at 630am in the dark. Every morning I flip on the kitchen light expecting to see that Emma shit in the kitchen. She usually doesn't, only really when we have storms overnight, but that doesn't stop me from obsessing about it.

So this morning I flip on the light and look down (thankfully). There is a giant cockroach on its back wiggling around.

Two things:

We have roaches in NC that fly. Yes we do. They are about 2 inches long and fly around outside and hang out on trees doing God knows what. This was one of them.

AND

I love winter because it kills most of the bugs. I DESPISE the fact that it drives some of the bugs indoors to make my life miserable. I hate bugs. I HATE BUGS.

So I do NOT scream. Rich is very proud of me. I asked him. So after not screaming I looked around for a suitable container for this nasty guest. NOTHING. I open the trash can and spy two things. A piece of junk mail, and a Mission Tortilla zipper bag. I bent over and attempted to slide the roach onto the mail while still on his back. It took 4 tries, and when I finally did it the motherfucker FLIPPED OVER and started walking on the mail. I DID NOT SCREAM.

I shoved the junk mail and roach into the zipper bag as fast as I could and sealed the bag. He was pretty pissed; I could tell. So the whole thing went into the garbage can because one thing I will NOT do is stand outside, open that bag, and attempt to shake him out of there onto the ground. Fuck that.

I currently have a hostage in my trash can, possibly asphixiating from lack of air, possibly not. I don't care. IF he does die I'll pull his worthless corpse out of the can, still in the bag, and nail that bag to the front door as a warning to any other nasty fucks who want to come inside.

And if PETA wants to ride me over this one they can kiss my skinny white ass.

First Thing in The Morning

You know how you have those moments where a ton of different thoughts whizz through your head at the same time?

This morning I went out on the deck to smoke. When I pulled the cigarette out of the pack another one decided to hitch a ride with it and tumbled out onto the deck. My thoughts were as follows:

"Shit! Those are expensive!"

"Fuck! What if it rolls between the slats?"

"Goddamn it! Where the fuck am I going to find a piece of string and a piece of chewing gum at this time of day?"

"And...OH! There it is."

Speaking of cigarettes, I have to say that when you're used to smoking 100s and your husband brings home Shorts because they were on sale it's like smoking Fisher Price My First Cigarettes.

And no, as you can tell, I have not quit.

Magical or Just Odd?

Yesterday I was in the house with Livvie and heard a loud THUD outside. I thought Rich had dropped something. I went out to see what was up and he told me a large deer had just run slam bang into the sliding door of a mini-van and he had even heard the driver scream when it happened. I was heartbroken and freaking, because it happened in the only place where Emma will pee these days. AND it was time to take the dogs out.

So I leashed Emma thinking Oh NO, and as we approached the area the deer stood up in the ditch and started limping toward us. It was insane. He had to have hit that mini-van doing 40 miles per hour, and the mini-van had to be doing 50. He stared at us and just kept walking in our direction so I turned Emma away so she wouldn't attempt to go after him and took her elsewhere to go, which she did thank goodness.

I took her back in and went outside with the phone to call for animal control, and the damn deer was GONE. He was having trouble walking, almost dragging one leg, but that fast he was gone. Please say a prayer or send good thoughts for our tenacious deer. I hope the leg or internal injuries don't kill him.

Bucked the Trend

I have no idea what happened, but the child was basically a delight to be around yesterday. She took 2 good naps, played, sang, danced, and hugged on her momma like crazy.

We're not out of the woods yet, because today is the day after the Full Moon and it's still considered mainly full, so I'll keep an eye on her today.

If this was because of your good wishes, then I thank you.

Moon Update

She was a nightmare yesterday. We had screaming. We had crying. In fact, at one point she stood there, leaned toward my face, and opened her mouth and screamed so loudly that I thought for sure Sam Kinison was back from the grave.

I sure hope today is better. HA!

Da Moon

The moon is about to be full and I'm dreading this. I have been marking Livvie's behavior on the calendar every full moon for the last several months. Let me tell you, the pattern that's emerged is NOT good. She is an absolute NIGHTMARE the day before, the day of, and the day after. The absolute worst is the day of itself. She will not sleep. She will scream all day. She will throw her food or smack the spoon away. And did I mention she will scream all day?

I honest to God wish there were some form of baby Valium that you could give to kids for situations such as this. It would be like dosing a dog with Xanax before a thunderstorm rolls through so you don't end up with torn furniture and a peed on carpet. Unfortunately I think this type of thing would be considered child abuse, and would probably end every one involved in prison.

Too bad. Please cross your fingers that this is the week where she bucks the trend, because I will be a nervous wreck by Saturday if not.

Bzzzzttttt

Last night I came back into the living room after having been in the kitchen for 2 minutes to find my beer glass in my daughter's hands. My now EMPTY beer glass. I removed said glass from her possession and scanned the area for spilled beer. I could find only one damp stuffed animal in the toy box. Not too bad, right?

No, it gets worse.

I attempted to reply to an email the BFF sent me. This is what I received for my typing attempts---

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Ok, WTF?

I then noticed that Caps Lock was also damp. And sticky. How about that, so was the Shift key. I lifted the keyboard and saw beer pooling under the space bar, the A key, and many other buttons on the left side of the keyboard. I attempted to dry it out, and even left it turned upside down all night.

I got up this morning and recived an IM from a friend of mine. I was then REQUIRED to institute an Audio Chat with her because I could not type at her myself. I eventually tried just for shits and giggles and this is what came about:

9999999999999999999999

So at 9:35 afore mentioned daughter and myself head to the (ugh) mall to purchase a new keyboard at the Apple store. I got it home and at first despised the new low profile style. Now I love it.

So thanks for spilling my beer into the old, nasty, gunk filled keyboard Livvie. You actually did me a favor.

So Lonely

So Livvie has been sleeping through the night IN HER CRIB since the 16th. She had become a nightmare to cosleep with, waking up completely 6-7 times a night, getting mad that she couldn't get up, etc. She also had reached a point where she wouldn't let me rock her to sleep anymore, and I could only lie down next to her to get her to sleep. We ended up Ferberizing her. It broke my heart, but it only took 3 days, AND from the first night she slept through. I'm talking 11-12 hours at a stretch now. I am now back in our bed. She no longer cries at all when you put her down for the night. BUT...

I am a wreck. I miss her sooooo much. I get that she's sleeping well now and it's apparently healthier for her compared to what had been going on, but this just feels so unnatural. I lie in bed at night and wonder if she's lonely in her room. I miss holding her, even though it meant being woken up all night.

How the hell do you HANDLE this kind of thing? It's just one more step to independence on her behalf, and she's already ignoring me in favor of walking about 85% of every day anyway. At least I used to have her at night.

Depression Hurts, But I Don't Have To

I've been feeling rather low lately, and the recent behavior of my child isn't helping much. The change of seasons plus generally being stuck in the house have made for a morass of bad feelings. On the plus side, Livvie started sleeping through the night in her crib almost 2 weeks ago now. In fact, last night she slept 12 hours straight through.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I don't have too much to talk about right now. When things start looking up again I'll definitely post more.

And one more thing:

The Phillies won the pennant!!!!!

Day Two

This morning I woke up and put the patch on my right hip where it seems to be staying. It's not peeling, and because it's not moving around it's not itching nearly as badly as it was yesterday. The migratory path of the patch yesterday left me with red welts wherever it wandered, so I'm frankly delighted about this today.

I want a cigarette. BADLY. I grabbed Livvie this morning and threw her into the Jeep again and took her to the playground this time. She ate no sand on this trip, which is not usual, but she did get sand everywhere you can imagine, including her ears. I ate DumDums at the playground, and we left as The Stepford Moms arrived with their monsters in tow, so I would consider it a successful trip.

Speaking of these moms, how the fuck do they manage to dress in actual OUTFITS every day? I'm always out there (unshowered) in jeans and a T shirt and these chicks are wearing cotton capri pants and open toed shoes. AND THEIR TOENAILS ARE PAINTED. How the fuck are they managing pedicures with the whole Mom Thing?

Ok, so you might actually notice a bit of hostility. So the fuck what? I'm quitting smoking for crying out loud.

Day One

I woke up this morning and had BOTH cups of coffee without a cigarette. Shortly after Rich left for work I broke down and had a half a cigarette. Then I threw Livvie in the Jeep and we drove to Target where I purchased The Patch and a giant bag of DumDum lollypops. It is SO much easier to try to quit smoking during Halloween candy season.

When we got back out to the parking lot I opened a patch and put it on my arm. It promptly fell off. I lifted my shirt and put it on my stomach, above my waistband, instead. I hadn't even gotten a mile away from the store when the damn thing started to itch and burn like fire ants. I made it home without tearing myself apart.

Came inside and opened the DumDums, and they're somewhat gross. Instead of normal DumDums they have a chewy center which in some of them has the consistency of gum, and in others Tootsie Rolls. Not happy with DumDum purchase. Patch promptly fell off again. Not happy with patch.

Moved patch a couple of inches and waited. Opened and closed a baby barrette repeatedly to give my hands something to do. Ate FOUR DumDums. Paced the house. Walked in and out of the house. Barraged Rich with email to give myself something to do.

Patch peeled up a little but has not fallen off again.

Ate a 5th DumDum.

And it's only 10:47.

EDIT: Patch just fell off again.

Dear Baby- (part 2)

Tomorrow is your one year birthday and I can't believe it. SO much has changed and I've learned so many things. Mostly about myself.

A) Babies like having things their own way. Burger King was BUILT for babies. If things don't go their way, the entire county will hear them.

B) Too bad.

C) Babies don't necessarily LIKE being held all of the time. In fact, some babies would rather be held only when it's in their agenda. See A.

D) Too bad.

E) I don't like babies. Really. Now that you're even closer to toddlerhood I am SO happy I can't even express it. I was just never one of those people who wanted a "baby."

F) Too bad.

G) I think you're probably the best child I could have gotten. Your issues are actually MY issues, and I actually think you're turning me into a better person. I know I'm learning more patience than I ever have before.

So Happy Birthday kiddo.

I love you.

Co-Sleeping

When I was a little girl I primarily lived at my grandparent's house and had to sleep with my grandmom. I apparently used to roll over so much I would push her out of bed and she'd have to get up and switch sides many times overnight. I'm sure she didn't get much sleep, because I'm going through the same thing now.

I've slept with Livvie since she was born. When she was wee it was a lot easier. We had these things they call sleep positioners which are like little bumpers that you place on either side of the baby to prevent rolling. They also kept her in one spot. As she got larger the bumpers didn't work anymore, and that coincided with her overnight sleep issues developing, so we moved to the futon in the living room. For awhile it worked great. We even got a few nights where she slept for 7 hours straight. Then something happened. I don't know what. All I know is that recently the only way she'll sleep is nestled in one of my arms. This leads to...

My grandmom. Every night now Livvie fusses and kicks me all night trying to get herself some more space. I end up having to stand up over and over to switch her from side to side. I've experimented by standing up and leaving her there by herself to see if she'll sleep better, but eventually she realizes I'm not there and she wakes up. My grandmom is having her revenge. I'm positive of it.

Now one would think that all of this would sour me on co-sleeping, but it's not the case. There's something amazingly beautiful about sleeping with your child and having them reach out to touch you in the night that just can't be beat. Well, maybe not. A full night's sleep could make a good run for it.

Five more days

Five more days until we quit smoking.

I'm somewhat excited, but also somewhat sad. I love smoking. It's a nice little friend who is always there right when you need them. Bad day? Smoke. Something awful happens? Smoke. Not hungry? Smoke instead.

Smoking is lovely.

It's also disgusting, dirty, vile, and nauseating. IT KILLS PEOPLE.

I can't wait to smell and taste food again. I can't wait to get rid of my morning Gandalf voice and stop coughing all night long. I can't wait to NOT have to shell out $3.69 a pack for something that is as retarded as burning little pieces of paper and some weeds.

So wish us luck. We're gonna need it.

Baby Sea Turtle

Being Broke Sucks

And KNOWING, just KNOWING that something is gonna happen while you're in dire financial straits sucks too.

Yesterday a pipe burst under the house, spraying water up into the underside of the house. The plumber came today, and upwards of $200 later our pipe is fixed.

However, I had to use a charge card we had completely paid off. This sucks worst of all.

How the hell are you supposed to stay ahead? WE don't have enough cash to buy sufficient groceries, let alone have any in case of emergency.

Thank the gods we aren't planning a birthday party for Livvie for next week. I don't know where we'd come up with the funds.

Blessings

On October 31st my BFF and I will be doing Livvie's blessing ceremony. This is sometimes called a "Wiccaning" if one is a Wiccan. I'm more of a Pagan/Kitchen Witch so while we'll be doing the blessing there will be some Wiccan aspects we'll leave out.

I am excited about this, because she's now old enough where she can disrupt everything and lend some much needed humor to the proceedings.

Here's the other part I'm excited about:

"There are many paths, and each must find his/her own. Therefore I do not seek to bind (baby) to any one path while he/she is still too young to choose. I ask the Lord and Lady, who know all paths, and to whom all paths lead, to bless, protect, and prepare him/her through the years of childhood so that when at last he/she is truly grown, he/she shall know without doubt or fear which path is his/hers."

Righto. The blessing we are asking for is being done FOR her, not TO her. I will say those words above and mean every last one of them. She will have choice. She will have options. If she decides down the road to become a Christian I'll gladly send her off to do that.

So on Halloween my daughter (dressed as a baby sea turtle) and I will be standing outside with her Godmother and asking for goodness and light. Not a bad start to the New Year.