Your Post for the Day

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I broke the Jeep

I was attempting to back into the side portion of the driveway yesterday so I could go to the vets office. I heard a grinding sound and thought i had HIT the end of the boat trailer. I got out of the Jeep and the rear bumper of the jeep was hooked OVER the end of the trailer and the bumper was hanging off.

I attempted to pull forward to unhook myself and couldn't. I drove back and forth several times turning the wheel to the left to get it unhooked and it finally broke free. I got out and somehow reattached the bumper back onto the Jeep, although it isn't perfect. There is also a deep 1/2 inch wide gouge running at least 18 inches down the side of the bumper.

I turned around to look at the boat and I had somehow, with the frigging BUMPER of the Jeep, managed to turn the trailer/boat to a 45 degree angle in the driveway. I also had backed the boat into a heavy plastic planter that sits at the top of the driveway. The motor now wiggles a bit, where it had never before. If that part of the boat is damaged the entire boat is hosed, because we can't afford to replace it.

Rich isn't angry, he is worried about the motor though. He was upset that I had panicked and created all of that damage, but I couldn't help myself. I didn't KNOW that the trailer has a built in jack and that you can lower the front end.

I was so upset I almost barfed.

In order to move the trailer/boat back into position we had to do it manually, i.e. by using our backs and our legs. Rich used a very long post as a fulcrum under the end of the trailer to hoist it and move it sideways, and I had to wedge a shovel under the front wheel of the trailer to keep it from sliding back in the gravel. I threw my back out. Rich's back also naturally hurts. Once we got the trailer more or less in position he then attached the trailer hitch of the jeep to it and proceeded to return the boat to its original position in the driveway.

I am so not looking forward to ever backing out of the driveway again this week. Rich said he is going to return the boat to its place right beside the house, and I hope that happens soon.

Christmas Time is Here

-Vince Guaraldi

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

Delay Brew

So the power went out the other night. It went out for about an hour solid and then stuttered off and on for about another hour and a half. It sucked, especially with a baby in the house who is NOT used to her entire world being plunged into darkness.

The thing about the stutters? They were JUST long enough to allow me to feel confident enough to re-set clocks, reboot the cable box etc.

I rebooted the cable box 7 times.

So I finally got the clocks set and they stayed. That was awesome, because we're too lazy to leave the kitchen to see what time it is on said cable box in the living room.

Last night I set up the coffee for delay brew. I love delay brew, because it keeps me from having to pour water from a large thing into a small thing upon first waking up in the morning. I've missed the small thing many times. I got up this morning and the pot was full. I rejoiced! YAY for coffee! Then I noticed the light wasn't on on the coffee maker. WTF? I touched the pot and it was cold as ice. OH NOOOOOOOO.

I pushed the button on the front of the machine that says "set delay." Yeah. The timer was still set on default at midnight.

I dumped it out and made more, seeing dollar signs swirling down the drain.

So now the timer is set for the usual 6:30am. And I'm looking into finding a coffee maker with a battery backup...

Nada Mucho

I'm sorry I've deserted you all. There really hasn't been much going on here except the same old, same old.

I have decided to abort my plan to becaome an alcoholic drug addict stripper, though, because aside from the last full moon my kid has been behaving fairly well.
The last full moon was hell, though. Please cross your fingers for us once (or twice!) a month so that I can keep my sanity for 3 days.

This is going to be an interactive blog. I need suggestions for what to buy DH for Christmas. Since I think our main gift is going to be a new gas grill (the grill part has fallen off our current one), would you get extra sets of long underwear, some new tools, a gift card to Home Depot, or a bunch of little ridiculous things like razor blades and socks... (we're not doing stockings this year).

Thanks in advance for participating! I'm sitting here clueless.

Why Keep Your Head?

So you don't look like an ass, that's why.

This morning I got up at 6:44am in the dark to make coffee. I went into the kitchen and discovered I was short a dog. There should be 2 dogs in this house, but the only dog sleeping on the kitchen floor was Emma, who looked rather pleased to be by herself.

Ginny was nowhere.

I ran back to check the bedroom hallway and she wasn't there. I checked the living room, under and behind furniture, and no dog there either. Went back into the kitchen and looked AGAIN under the kitchen table. Nope. By this time my heart was pounding and I was convinced that Rich had too much beer last night and accidentally let Ginny out of the house, and she ran off. I was THISCLOSE to running into the bedroom and yanking the covers off of Rich and calling him a bastard when I noticed that the door to the office was adjar a smidge.

I pushed the door open and said "Psst." into the dark. A giant knucklehead popped up, looking sheepish. I told her to get her ass out of there and she ran past me into the kitchen, over to where Emma was lying.

Emma isn't pleased anymore.

I'm done

Just so you all know. I plan to become an alcoholic drug addict who needs to strip for her drug money.

Too bad I don't have a babysitter.

Not that anyone would want to watch this kid anyway. They'd ask for twice what I was going to pay them and then bolt out the door like The Flash.

Anyway, I just thought you should all know my new plans. Thanks for reading.

Sigh.

Happy Halloween!

Your unbelievably long poem for the day:

(You can skip to the end if you want to read the actual post for the day...)

Halloween (in part)

by Robert Burns

Upon that night, when fairies light
On Cassilis Downans dance,
Or owre the lays, in splendid blaze,
On sprightly coursers prance;
Or for Colean the route is ta'en,
Beneath the moon's pale beams;
There, up the cove, to stray and rove,
Among the rocks and streams
To sport that night.

Among the bonny winding banks,
Where Doon rins, wimplin' clear,
Where Bruce ance ruled the martial ranks,
And shook his Carrick spear,
Some merry, friendly, country-folks,
Together did convene,
To burn their nits, and pou their stocks,
And haud their Halloween
Fu' blithe that night.

The lasses feat, and cleanly neat,
Mair braw than when they're fine;
Their faces blithe, fu' sweetly kythe,
Hearts leal, and warm, and kin';
The lads sae trig, wi' wooer-babs,
Weel knotted on their garten,
Some unco blate, and some wi' gabs,
Gar lasses' hearts gang startin'
Whiles fast at night.

So Let's Talk

about yesterday when I took the trash bag out.

I had Livvie in her high chair eating cheerios. I opened the kitchen door to the deck, and my plan was to set the trash can out there until she was done, and then i'd remove the bag and take it to the dumpster.

So I walk the can out, about 3 feet from where I had stood in the house, and CLICK.

Yeah. The locked door had slammed shut behind me. WITH my child in her highchair.

Panic. OMG. What the fuck is going to happen if I can't get in the house and my kid has ro spend the rest of her day in the high chair? What if she gets pissed enough to cause herself to tip over and cracks the floor with her head? What if I NEVER GET IN????

So I dragged a stool over to the window, which is right behind said high chair. I managed to push the window open but there was nothing with which to prop it. So I climbed onto the stool and managed to get one leg in. The window shut on my leg. I pushed it up again and managed to get my chest and neck in. The window shut fairly quickly on my neck. So NOW I'm having fantasies that I will end up decapitated and the police will find my body on the outside of the house and my head rolling around livvie's high chair.

I finally manage to get the damn window up again and get most of my second leg through. The window SLAMS shut on my sneaker. I cannot get that foot out of the window, and I can't even turn around to try.

My kid? STill eating cheerios in her high chair.

So I finally manage to twist my body quite painfully around and use one hand to get the window back open. I extract my foot without clipping Livvie in the back of the head, and I turn around.

Both of our dogs are hiding in the living room. They had jumped the baby gate to get away to safety.

Update on the Hostage

I spent most of the day chucking used, rolled up diapers onto him ( a couple of times I actually beaned him) before I just called it a day and took the bag out of the can and threw it in the dumpster.

He did NOT die.

Apparently they can live without oxygen for quite some time.

I'll bet they're the sole population of Jupiter.

First Thing in The Morning Part 2

Ok, so I get up at 630am in the dark. Every morning I flip on the kitchen light expecting to see that Emma shit in the kitchen. She usually doesn't, only really when we have storms overnight, but that doesn't stop me from obsessing about it.

So this morning I flip on the light and look down (thankfully). There is a giant cockroach on its back wiggling around.

Two things:

We have roaches in NC that fly. Yes we do. They are about 2 inches long and fly around outside and hang out on trees doing God knows what. This was one of them.

AND

I love winter because it kills most of the bugs. I DESPISE the fact that it drives some of the bugs indoors to make my life miserable. I hate bugs. I HATE BUGS.

So I do NOT scream. Rich is very proud of me. I asked him. So after not screaming I looked around for a suitable container for this nasty guest. NOTHING. I open the trash can and spy two things. A piece of junk mail, and a Mission Tortilla zipper bag. I bent over and attempted to slide the roach onto the mail while still on his back. It took 4 tries, and when I finally did it the motherfucker FLIPPED OVER and started walking on the mail. I DID NOT SCREAM.

I shoved the junk mail and roach into the zipper bag as fast as I could and sealed the bag. He was pretty pissed; I could tell. So the whole thing went into the garbage can because one thing I will NOT do is stand outside, open that bag, and attempt to shake him out of there onto the ground. Fuck that.

I currently have a hostage in my trash can, possibly asphixiating from lack of air, possibly not. I don't care. IF he does die I'll pull his worthless corpse out of the can, still in the bag, and nail that bag to the front door as a warning to any other nasty fucks who want to come inside.

And if PETA wants to ride me over this one they can kiss my skinny white ass.

First Thing in The Morning

You know how you have those moments where a ton of different thoughts whizz through your head at the same time?

This morning I went out on the deck to smoke. When I pulled the cigarette out of the pack another one decided to hitch a ride with it and tumbled out onto the deck. My thoughts were as follows:

"Shit! Those are expensive!"

"Fuck! What if it rolls between the slats?"

"Goddamn it! Where the fuck am I going to find a piece of string and a piece of chewing gum at this time of day?"

"And...OH! There it is."

Speaking of cigarettes, I have to say that when you're used to smoking 100s and your husband brings home Shorts because they were on sale it's like smoking Fisher Price My First Cigarettes.

And no, as you can tell, I have not quit.

Magical or Just Odd?

Yesterday I was in the house with Livvie and heard a loud THUD outside. I thought Rich had dropped something. I went out to see what was up and he told me a large deer had just run slam bang into the sliding door of a mini-van and he had even heard the driver scream when it happened. I was heartbroken and freaking, because it happened in the only place where Emma will pee these days. AND it was time to take the dogs out.

So I leashed Emma thinking Oh NO, and as we approached the area the deer stood up in the ditch and started limping toward us. It was insane. He had to have hit that mini-van doing 40 miles per hour, and the mini-van had to be doing 50. He stared at us and just kept walking in our direction so I turned Emma away so she wouldn't attempt to go after him and took her elsewhere to go, which she did thank goodness.

I took her back in and went outside with the phone to call for animal control, and the damn deer was GONE. He was having trouble walking, almost dragging one leg, but that fast he was gone. Please say a prayer or send good thoughts for our tenacious deer. I hope the leg or internal injuries don't kill him.

Bucked the Trend

I have no idea what happened, but the child was basically a delight to be around yesterday. She took 2 good naps, played, sang, danced, and hugged on her momma like crazy.

We're not out of the woods yet, because today is the day after the Full Moon and it's still considered mainly full, so I'll keep an eye on her today.

If this was because of your good wishes, then I thank you.

Moon Update

She was a nightmare yesterday. We had screaming. We had crying. In fact, at one point she stood there, leaned toward my face, and opened her mouth and screamed so loudly that I thought for sure Sam Kinison was back from the grave.

I sure hope today is better. HA!

Da Moon

The moon is about to be full and I'm dreading this. I have been marking Livvie's behavior on the calendar every full moon for the last several months. Let me tell you, the pattern that's emerged is NOT good. She is an absolute NIGHTMARE the day before, the day of, and the day after. The absolute worst is the day of itself. She will not sleep. She will scream all day. She will throw her food or smack the spoon away. And did I mention she will scream all day?

I honest to God wish there were some form of baby Valium that you could give to kids for situations such as this. It would be like dosing a dog with Xanax before a thunderstorm rolls through so you don't end up with torn furniture and a peed on carpet. Unfortunately I think this type of thing would be considered child abuse, and would probably end every one involved in prison.

Too bad. Please cross your fingers that this is the week where she bucks the trend, because I will be a nervous wreck by Saturday if not.

Bzzzzttttt

Last night I came back into the living room after having been in the kitchen for 2 minutes to find my beer glass in my daughter's hands. My now EMPTY beer glass. I removed said glass from her possession and scanned the area for spilled beer. I could find only one damp stuffed animal in the toy box. Not too bad, right?

No, it gets worse.

I attempted to reply to an email the BFF sent me. This is what I received for my typing attempts---

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Ok, WTF?

I then noticed that Caps Lock was also damp. And sticky. How about that, so was the Shift key. I lifted the keyboard and saw beer pooling under the space bar, the A key, and many other buttons on the left side of the keyboard. I attempted to dry it out, and even left it turned upside down all night.

I got up this morning and recived an IM from a friend of mine. I was then REQUIRED to institute an Audio Chat with her because I could not type at her myself. I eventually tried just for shits and giggles and this is what came about:

9999999999999999999999

So at 9:35 afore mentioned daughter and myself head to the (ugh) mall to purchase a new keyboard at the Apple store. I got it home and at first despised the new low profile style. Now I love it.

So thanks for spilling my beer into the old, nasty, gunk filled keyboard Livvie. You actually did me a favor.

So Lonely

So Livvie has been sleeping through the night IN HER CRIB since the 16th. She had become a nightmare to cosleep with, waking up completely 6-7 times a night, getting mad that she couldn't get up, etc. She also had reached a point where she wouldn't let me rock her to sleep anymore, and I could only lie down next to her to get her to sleep. We ended up Ferberizing her. It broke my heart, but it only took 3 days, AND from the first night she slept through. I'm talking 11-12 hours at a stretch now. I am now back in our bed. She no longer cries at all when you put her down for the night. BUT...

I am a wreck. I miss her sooooo much. I get that she's sleeping well now and it's apparently healthier for her compared to what had been going on, but this just feels so unnatural. I lie in bed at night and wonder if she's lonely in her room. I miss holding her, even though it meant being woken up all night.

How the hell do you HANDLE this kind of thing? It's just one more step to independence on her behalf, and she's already ignoring me in favor of walking about 85% of every day anyway. At least I used to have her at night.

Depression Hurts, But I Don't Have To

I've been feeling rather low lately, and the recent behavior of my child isn't helping much. The change of seasons plus generally being stuck in the house have made for a morass of bad feelings. On the plus side, Livvie started sleeping through the night in her crib almost 2 weeks ago now. In fact, last night she slept 12 hours straight through.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I don't have too much to talk about right now. When things start looking up again I'll definitely post more.

And one more thing:

The Phillies won the pennant!!!!!

Day Two

This morning I woke up and put the patch on my right hip where it seems to be staying. It's not peeling, and because it's not moving around it's not itching nearly as badly as it was yesterday. The migratory path of the patch yesterday left me with red welts wherever it wandered, so I'm frankly delighted about this today.

I want a cigarette. BADLY. I grabbed Livvie this morning and threw her into the Jeep again and took her to the playground this time. She ate no sand on this trip, which is not usual, but she did get sand everywhere you can imagine, including her ears. I ate DumDums at the playground, and we left as The Stepford Moms arrived with their monsters in tow, so I would consider it a successful trip.

Speaking of these moms, how the fuck do they manage to dress in actual OUTFITS every day? I'm always out there (unshowered) in jeans and a T shirt and these chicks are wearing cotton capri pants and open toed shoes. AND THEIR TOENAILS ARE PAINTED. How the fuck are they managing pedicures with the whole Mom Thing?

Ok, so you might actually notice a bit of hostility. So the fuck what? I'm quitting smoking for crying out loud.