Too Bad

Well, I had a headologist appointment today at 230, which I canceled yesterday because I have no vehicle. That's right, we still don't have our car. It was due to arrive on the 12th, got pushed back to the 18th, and now is pushed back to the 21st. Rock on.

The suckass part of all of this is that they never intended to let us know. We've had to call them ourselves for any information.

So, the good thing is that the last time I was there she wrote a scrip for me for two of my drugs, which has been sitting in my wallet ever since. Today after Rich gets home I have to drive the scrip up to the pharmacy and then go pick it up tomorrow. I only need one of them currently, so they can keep the other one on file.

Frankly, I'm not too sussed about not going today. Personally, I can't afford it. My visits are now up to $100 for a 15 min appointment, and that just plain sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I think I'll have to inform her that I can no longer do every 2-3 months, and that we'll have to switch to 6 months. I just don't have the funds.

I'm sure she can write scrips for 6 months. I don't know why she wouldn't be able to. I feel as well like I'm wasting my time there. She asks me how I'm doing, I say fine, and then she hands me a new scrip. 15 min. $100. It's insane.

I AM a tiny bit manic lately, but nothing too bad. It's due to lack of sleep I'm sure, because while I'm sleeping better, I certainly am not sleeping enough. I'm waking up at 5am for good after a night of tossing and turning (and apparently snoring last night. Rich made me wake up and roll over). I have the urge to spend a lot of money, but I'm controlling myself with the help of the 35 mg of Abilify. I had to stop taking the emergency Seroquel because my eyes were bugging out and crossing, and that was the only change in my life. Since I've stopped, they've stopped. So I guess no more Seroquel for me.

I'm so tired lately without having my Coke Zeroes as well. This leads to me going to bed at 830-9 o clock, and while I eventually get to sleep, sometimes I just lie there until 10. Yesterday I drank a cup of coffee at 2pm, which was a bad idea, because I think I was up until 11 last night. This isn't good for me at all.

I'm supposed to be on 300 mg of Lamictal, but I only take 200 mg in order to stretch my pills and save money. It seems to work, there hasn't even been any low level depression, so I don't know why she upped me to 300 in the first place.

I AM taking clonazepam every night in order to get to sleep, and it works. I just wish it would keep me asleep.

Have I mentioned that being BiPolar sucks? It really does.

Have a great Tuesday everyone.

Headologist Times Two

I'm freaking out. I went to the shrink today, and things went well for the most part. A fifteen minute appointment turned into a 45 minute appointment, but that was expected given how crazy I am lately. I feel pretty comfortable with her again, even after the phone call debacles. That's pretty good. She took me very seriously, and we're switching meds again. The reason for this is that apparently Seroquel causes weight gain, and she doesn't think I need anymore of that. She does want me to keep it on hand for emergencies though. She's going to wean me off of the Abilify, because it's apparently not working any longer, and she's going to put me on an anti-psychotic called Geodon. She says it has fewer side effects, including no weight gain, but according to Jennyquarx it does cause general loopiness. I also have to take it with food, so I guess that means I'll have to start eating breakfast.

I finally got a chance to discuss my anxiety with her, you know, the anxiety about leaving the house because we might get into a terrible accident and Livvie might get killed? I told her that I have no problems leaving the house by myself, or when Rich is driving, but if I'm the one behind the wheel with her in the car I wig out. I know it's ridiculous, and even Rich agrees it's silly. So she's putting me on Clonazepam, an anti-anxiety drug that has less of an addictive value than say, Ativan or Xanax. She wants me to take it the night before I have to go somewhere with Livvie, but not every day. I'm very excited about this, because the panic attacks are just awful.

So why am I freaking out? Well, I now have to see an actual therapist as well to work on the anxiety. A TALK therapist. I don't want to talk. I don't want to open myself up to a stranger at all. I prefer not to spill my guts and possibly end up sobbing my eyes out, and they're very good at making that happen. I sort of like not dealing. I sort of like the idea that meds could temporarily take care of things. I don't WANT to go. I have to go in 2 weeks, and I have a feeling I'll need to take the clonazepam the night before that as well. Did I mention that I don't want to go?

I have to see my regular doc in 2 weeks as well for a med evaluation, and I'm totally fine with that. Another thing I'm dreading though is that I'll have to take Livvie with me to both appointments, and I have a feeling this won't go well. I can't imagine spilling my guts with my daughter in the room.

I also have to get a book to read, called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. Immediately my first thought was, "Oh how retarded is that?" but I guess I'll have to do it.

Now that I have all of that out of the way, I need to tell you that the quitting smoking thing is NOT going well. Although the Seroquel was helping, it just didn't do enough to keep me from wanting to self-medicate. Also, Rich failed miserably, and I simply can't not smoke when he is. It's virtually impossible. So. I'm not certain when we'll try again, but I'm hoping it's soon.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me through this ride. No matter how I might sound, it does make things easier to deal with.