Yippee Ki Yay

and you know the rest...




Tomorrow Rich and I are taking even more of the tax money and attempting to find a rug and a chair. The rug is for the living room. To pull the whole room together. The chair is for the office, because he's currently sitting on a kitchen chair in there and it's killing his back.

Money. Spending money. Ah man, it's a good thing he's doing the spending right now because being somewhat manic right now I could seriously outspend him in a heartbeat.

I want a new Macbook Air. Yes I do. If I had had my druthers the entire federal refund would have been spent on one. I shit you not, I saw that thing in the commercial come sliding out of the interoffice envelope and I just about wet my pants. Rich calls it Julie Porn. He's probably right. I could go into an Apple store and drop literally $5k without even blinking an eye.

I got my "allowance" on Friday and it's sitting in my bank account. What will it be used for you ask? Well...

Dog food
Cat food
Heartworm Preventative
Frontline Flea & Tick Preventative (I saw a seed tick today. In February. Whatever.)
Car Insurance
Smokes

I might end up having to bump the car insurance back 2 weeks, as I'm not sure how much the Frontline will cost. Exciting times, huh folks? None of this spending is enough to satisfy my mania. I'm three heartbeats away from going on eBay and buying Season One of Buffy. Yes, yes I am. Why is Season One worth it? Well because of exposition. You need Season One to enjoy the rest, even though the makeup and clothes are pretty bad. Trust me on this. Oh, and if you've never seen Buffy, do so post haste. I guarantee you'll be hooked.

Sorry to be a Bummer

But...Too many of my friends are having shit lives. Hell, I'm having something of a shit life, but comparatively speaking I can't complain.

I know TWO people on the verge of bankruptcy right now. Two. How does this happen to people who work hard and pay their bills and try to make a living? I can understand people who run up a ton of debt with no compunctions at all. What I can't understand is how people get to the point of having to live on credit just to survive. It's unfair that something called The Working Poor even exists. Obviously.

I know 3 people who hate their jobs so badly that they're contemplating throwing away their current lives and starting over. Perhaps even by moving away from their current homes. One is considering France. Another is considering Bumfuck USA. I'm not certain where the third wants to go, because I haven't asked. I do know that if these people moved so far away I would be heartbroken as it would mean I would probably never see them again, but that's my problem, not theirs.

Three of these people are having the worst luck that you can possibly imagine. Constant outflow of cash with none coming in, deaths, you name it, they're dealing with it. And I don't understand how all of this is happening in the space of a few months. Some of it has been going on for years. I had thought 2008 would be better, but for many of my friends it is not.

For a lot of these things problems could be solved if I could simply manage to win a $350 million dollar lottery. Everyone I know would be set for life. A lot of these problems can't be managed with money, and those are the ones that make me feel helpless.

So if I start complaining about my meds, or lack thereof, If I start wanking about something stupid like my husband buying furniture in the middle of the night, or the fact that my child only took a 50 min nap, feel free to slap me senseless. Because in the grand scheme, that ain't nothing.

Well...

Here goes part of our tax refund. Instead of paying a few bills off Rich bought this online last night:



How does one buy a sofa online without determining whether or not it is comfortable you ask? Well apparently you just ask your wife if she likes it, she says yes, and then after she goes to bed you whip out your debit card and place the order. It's going to be here on Thursday. He says it can come in through the kitchen. I doubt that highly. So at some point on Thursday I have to hope and pray that the delivery men don't show up during Livvie's nap and wake her up banging around the kitchen doorway.

His argument as to the level of comfort? He says that it has to be more comfortable than our current futon. He's probably correct. I still wish we had been able to test it out though.

In other news, my meds certainly didn't help yesterday as Livvie only slept for 30 minutes in the morning and then not at all in the afternoon. To avoid potentially screaming at her I left her in her crib for TWO hours while I ignored the crying and squealing. Two hours. In that time I did nothing except lie down with a pillow over my ears, give up on that, talk to my friend Jennifer on IM, and go outside and smoke. I was at the end of my rope. I ended up putting her down at 6pm and going to bed myself at 730 because I just wanted the day to fucking end.

Oh, also, I haven't gotten on the scale in a week or two. Did you know that substituting cigarettes for food can cause you to lose 9 pounds without really meaning to try? I just found that out. Hey, maybe I can end up svelte again. Oh wait, there's the whole quitting and all...

$113

That's how much it will cost me today to refill all of my meds. I've been off my meds for 2 days because we were dirt broke. Nothing terrible has happened though, which is good. I'm assuming there's a half life there that helps out for a few days.

Of course, I did realize yesterday that I was self medicating with an entire bottle of wine plus a beer. Wine is funny for me. It gets me drunk. Why is that funny? Because I can drink 4-5 bourbon and cokes PLUS 3 beers and not feel a thing. By my second glass of wine I'm ready to dance on a table while people throw french fries at me.

Our state refund was deposited last night which is the only reason I can even afford my meds. Otherwise I was going to have to wait until Friday, by which time something terrible could have absolutely happened. And by terrible I mean things like spending money in my account that I don't have and going overdraft, which would then earn me penalties of $35 per transaction. My mother once deposited $300 in my account and when she got the deposit slip back it said that I had $46 in my account. She was PISSED. And yes, twice a month I receive an allowance from my mother. She does this so that I can have my "inheritance" while she's alive to see it making a difference. Whatever her reasons, it's the only way we could survive some months.

I need to see my shrink sometime in the next month because I completely skipped my December appointment with her. She was kind enough to speak to me on the phone at no charge, and what struck me about that is that the call lasted approximately 4 minutes. I usually have a 15 minute "medication management" appointment with her every 3 months, and those cost me $68. I had expected to be charged for the phone call, but she took pity on me and made sure I had refills called in and also took my word for it that things were going ok. I think she usually relies on the way I behave in her office to see if I need my meds uppped or downed. I don't want to go to the next appointment since my management apparently requires less than a 5 minute conversation, but I guess I must. I'm not certain that my Lamictal is working to its full extent as I have had panic attacks surrounding leaving the house on a regular basis. I'd like a scrip for Xanax, but generally shrinks won't prescribe it often as it's about as addictive as heroin. Or cigarettes. Which leads me to discuss...

I smoked 26 cigarettes one day last week. Yes, 26. I also think this is related to anxiety and panic, but it needs to stop. So please if you can wish me stop smoking vibes. I've picked February 29th to quit, and this time I'm going cold turkey since the patch seems to not help at all.

That's it for today. I'll catch you all tomorrow.