An Object in Motion...

You know how if most sharks stop moving they stop breathing and die?

I seem to operate under that restriction as well.

When both of my kids were born my mom came down to help out and got Very Angry that I, "wouldn't let her do anything." I told her she was doing exactly what I needed her to do: hold the baby while I do my job.

She gets aggravated over the fact that I apparently can't stop moving for even a moment. She would tell me to sit down and relax, and I would sit on the sofa for maybe 3 minutes before hopping up again to take care of what needed doing.

You know how many people go off and sulk when they're mad or upset? I clean. Rich always knows when something is really bothering me because he'll find me scrubbing the baseboards. I usually don't even remember the baseboards are there.

I am my grandmother. In this respect at least, I channel all of her German-ness and never rest.

I get up in the morning when the kids wake up, and I do not usually stop for more than a moment or two until after they have both gone to sleep for the night. Not that Jonas (or Livvie sometimes) sleeps through the entire night. Jonas has had a habit lately of waking up every 10-20 minutes overnight for some reason I can't fathom. He doesn't want food. He doesn't want his binky. It takes me upwards of 30 minutes at times to get him settled enough so that he'll sleep again, only to start the whole thing over 20 minutes later.

On top of not really being able to stop and relax, I have a tendency to multitask. If I can accomplish three things in the time it takes to do one thing I'm all over it. Yesterday, for instance, I was baking cookies, talking on the phone, brewing tea, and loading the dishwasher.

I envy people who can actually take relaxing baths. I am completely incapable of it. I will waste a metric ton of water by drawing a bath, getting in, lying still for 22.8 seconds, and then fidgeting. If I make it ten minutes I consider it a successful bath. I worked in a day spa for a time, and one of the free treatments I was offered was a bath full of all sorts of seaweedy cleansing goodness in a tub with jets. The treatment was scheduled to last 25 minutes. At the 15 minute mark one of the estheticians came in to check on me and found me sitting up and cleaning the water spots off the sides of the tub with a rag.

I have tried to do yoga many, many times. Several times I have been bent into a stretch only to discover that my eyes are open, and I am thinking, "Holy shit, this rug needs vacuuming."

Which I then get up and do.

I have no sedentary hobbies. I cannot do jigsaw puzzles. Knitting makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Anything crafty that I do is something that can be accomplished quickly. I used to do a sort of decoupage thingy on large brandy snifters where I would take a holiday, decorative cocktail napkin, cut around the design, peel the top layer free, and use watered down glue to affix it to the snifter. Then I would paint the whole thing with more watered down glue and cover it with clear glitter and allow it to dry. Voila. Instant holiday candle holder. It took about 15 minutes, tops.

Works great on plain, glass ball ornaments too.

I lie. I do have one single, sedentary hobby. I have not been able to enjoy it since Jonas was born in May. Reading. I would kill about 6200 dehydrated koalas right now with my bare hands if it meant I could read a book for several, uninterrupted hours...

I cannot tell you how many times in my life I've been offered a seat and replied, "No thanks. I'd rather stand."

Things are so bad recently that on Saturday and Sunday nights I got Jonas to sleep between 745 and 800, and I literally dropped. Saturday night I woke up at about midnight on the sofa having no memory of lying down. Sunday night I laid down on our bed, took Rich's hand, and woke up face down, drooling, sometime after 11. Rich was gone. Bet I was snoring, too.

Even as I type these words one of my legs is bouncing.

And folks wonder why I can't keep weight on.