'Scuse you, Butt...

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. -Pride and Prejudice

Someone I love, and I will not name names, taught me how to burp. I mean, REALLY burp. Like a 7th grade boy who just guzzled a Coke.

I am not a lady.

To go back, I used to burp this little squeak of a sound and say, "Excuse me." It was mortifyingly pathetic. But through careful study and watching (and listening) I figured out how to burp for real. And since I learned I have been working on the alphabet in privacy.

Livvie has decided it is absolutely hilarious. I have noticed that kids become like pets. You do stuff in front of them that you wouldn't even consider doing in front of your mate. You scratch your ass. You pee with them standing RIGHTTHERE staring at you waiting for the chance to flush. And you emit methane gas. It just happens. It goes back to when they were infants and had no clue. Suddenly, they're toddlers, and they GET stuff.

Ok, I do scratch my ass in front of Rich. That isn't the point.

When I burp in front of Rich like that it bothers him. He does it and laughs. But if I happen to open my mouth and shatter the windows he's somewhat put out. Folks, he knew I wasn't a lady when he married me. Trust me (Ok, in the interest of full disclosure he just said to me, "It doesn't make a shit to me. I just roll my eyes to make you think it's inappropriate. Just don't do it at Angus Barn").

Where was I? Livvie? When I burp now Livvie pretends to burp too. Loudly. And she laughs her ass off. Also, a few months ago whenever she farted she would say, "'Scuse you, butt." I have no idea why she started that, but it made us laugh. So now she giggles like a fiend when she says it.

I was burping Jonas tonight, and he finally let out a great one, and I said, "Good job!!!" So I'm wondering how we go from encouraging infants to raise the roof to thinking poorly of it after a certain age.

I'm certain as all get out that Livvie is not going to be a lady. She already can't keep her shirt on, even in public. Forget sitting properly with legs placed together. I guess what we have to work on now is that there's a time and a place for everything. And we have to work on the alphabet.