Saturday, August 29, 2009


When I got divorced I moved into a miniature shit hole apartment close to work. I spent my first Christmas alone, well, alone. Christmas Day 2001 found me sitting on my sofa with oodles of junk food watching all 5+ hours of the A&E Pride and Prejudice. It's never been said directly to me, but apparently that wasn't acceptable. Because I never spent a holiday alone again.

Right there <------ is Livvie and Jonas's Gramma Jess. Gramma Jess is of no relation to us, but I trust her with my children more than anyone else. Even blood. I couldn't tell you why, because I haven't analyzed it. Maybe it's because she raised two amazing kids who aren't even close to being as fucked up as Rich and I can be. I do know that while I've felt minor tugs of misgiving or irritation at handing my children to other people, I've always been able to just offer them to her, let go, and not have a worry in my head. To offer an example, yesterday Livvie tried to drown herself in the pool. Her Gramma Jess plucked her out of the water, and while she was wigging out and saying, "All done???" Gramma Jess kept her in the pool and let her realize nothing bad was going to happen. No coddling. Just a matter of fact, you're ok. My cortisol levels didn't even raise a hair.

When she took Jonas into the pool -----> I actually ended up having to take Livvie in the house for awhile and had no worries whatsoever.

I haven't been the best of adopted daughters since Livvie was born. I have no excuses. There really is no excuse for not being there more often. For awhile I didn't want to impose. And then simply staying at home became easier. They live less than 1o minutes away. Yesterday I realized that the relationship I have with this family is one of the main reasons why I haven't come apart at the seams on occasion.

I would rather that home be where they choose to take me in than have to take me in.

The past few holidays we've stayed home and celebrated alone. It's nice, but it isn't the same. Livvie's first Christmas was spent at that house. Hopefully this year Jonas can at least spend part of his first there. I think he'll love it.

Besides, I want Green Bean Casserole.

1 comment:

Zen Coyote said...

yeah we really need to get back to the holiday dinners. its boring without them. and there's no half cooked turkey getting its glam on for pictures when its just me. :(