Friday, August 28, 2009

Lunacy

I lost my ever loving mind the other night. It was like a tornado or freight train. I saw it coming and there was no way to stop it. So I stood outside myself and watched myself snap at everyone in the house, and when that drove everyone away from me physically I watched myself throw things around as hard as I could. NOTHING had set me off. There was no trigger. It just happened. Rich said, "What's going on? You were smiling and happy 15 minutes ago." and I snarled, "No I was NOT fine. I am NEVER fine!!!" and he picked up Livvie and carried her into our room and shut the door.

And I finally ate some food for the first time all day and then held it together long enough to calmly get Livvie to bed.

So I was simmering instead of boiling. And I went to apologize to Rich. I apologize more than any human I have ever met.

And then my brain stretched past my skull and it was physically painful. And I only wanted to die. And somehow an apology turned into an argument, and I blurted out that I had to die.

And my husband stood his ground. He told me exactly where talk of that type would lead. And he let me sink into a sobbing puddle without bending to me once. He was a thousand year oak, and I was a sapling. And I wallowed. Still he stood. And while this was going on something amazing happened.

I tapped into his strength of will. I could feel my brain feeding off of it. And I calmed down. And then even more amazing, my brain shrank back to normal. Normal human brain right here. Not happy, not sad. Just being. So when I was clearly sane, he held me in the dark and we just breathed.

And yesterday morning I woke up feeling better about myself than I have in who the hell knows.

He is one of the smartest men I have ever met, in thousands of different ways. But his ability to react, or not, in any situation is something that I find astounding. Three days ago I would have thought that I don't deserve to be so lucky. Today I find myself thinking that I need to start proving that I do deserve it.

I will be starting to do yoga every night, for at least 30 minutes, after Livvie goes to bed. There are corners of my mind that need to be cleaned out. I will not automatically assume I will fail. If I do fail I will try again.

I can do this. And I have the best possible trainer.

3 comments:

Dagny said...

(((hug)))

awesome man.

xoxoxo

Me said...

I am glad he is there for you. Also glad he takes Livvie out of the room.

Zen Coyote said...

he really is the bomb, that one, isn't he? even his ick moments are really not so ick. which is why a long time ago i said, "can we keep him?" :)