Lunacy

I lost my ever loving mind the other night. It was like a tornado or freight train. I saw it coming and there was no way to stop it. So I stood outside myself and watched myself snap at everyone in the house, and when that drove everyone away from me physically I watched myself throw things around as hard as I could. NOTHING had set me off. There was no trigger. It just happened. Rich said, "What's going on? You were smiling and happy 15 minutes ago." and I snarled, "No I was NOT fine. I am NEVER fine!!!" and he picked up Livvie and carried her into our room and shut the door.

And I finally ate some food for the first time all day and then held it together long enough to calmly get Livvie to bed.

So I was simmering instead of boiling. And I went to apologize to Rich. I apologize more than any human I have ever met.

And then my brain stretched past my skull and it was physically painful. And I only wanted to die. And somehow an apology turned into an argument, and I blurted out that I had to die.

And my husband stood his ground. He told me exactly where talk of that type would lead. And he let me sink into a sobbing puddle without bending to me once. He was a thousand year oak, and I was a sapling. And I wallowed. Still he stood. And while this was going on something amazing happened.

I tapped into his strength of will. I could feel my brain feeding off of it. And I calmed down. And then even more amazing, my brain shrank back to normal. Normal human brain right here. Not happy, not sad. Just being. So when I was clearly sane, he held me in the dark and we just breathed.

And yesterday morning I woke up feeling better about myself than I have in who the hell knows.

He is one of the smartest men I have ever met, in thousands of different ways. But his ability to react, or not, in any situation is something that I find astounding. Three days ago I would have thought that I don't deserve to be so lucky. Today I find myself thinking that I need to start proving that I do deserve it.

I will be starting to do yoga every night, for at least 30 minutes, after Livvie goes to bed. There are corners of my mind that need to be cleaned out. I will not automatically assume I will fail. If I do fail I will try again.

I can do this. And I have the best possible trainer.