Day Two

This morning I woke up and put the patch on my right hip where it seems to be staying. It's not peeling, and because it's not moving around it's not itching nearly as badly as it was yesterday. The migratory path of the patch yesterday left me with red welts wherever it wandered, so I'm frankly delighted about this today.

I want a cigarette. BADLY. I grabbed Livvie this morning and threw her into the Jeep again and took her to the playground this time. She ate no sand on this trip, which is not usual, but she did get sand everywhere you can imagine, including her ears. I ate DumDums at the playground, and we left as The Stepford Moms arrived with their monsters in tow, so I would consider it a successful trip.

Speaking of these moms, how the fuck do they manage to dress in actual OUTFITS every day? I'm always out there (unshowered) in jeans and a T shirt and these chicks are wearing cotton capri pants and open toed shoes. AND THEIR TOENAILS ARE PAINTED. How the fuck are they managing pedicures with the whole Mom Thing?

Ok, so you might actually notice a bit of hostility. So the fuck what? I'm quitting smoking for crying out loud.

Day One

I woke up this morning and had BOTH cups of coffee without a cigarette. Shortly after Rich left for work I broke down and had a half a cigarette. Then I threw Livvie in the Jeep and we drove to Target where I purchased The Patch and a giant bag of DumDum lollypops. It is SO much easier to try to quit smoking during Halloween candy season.

When we got back out to the parking lot I opened a patch and put it on my arm. It promptly fell off. I lifted my shirt and put it on my stomach, above my waistband, instead. I hadn't even gotten a mile away from the store when the damn thing started to itch and burn like fire ants. I made it home without tearing myself apart.

Came inside and opened the DumDums, and they're somewhat gross. Instead of normal DumDums they have a chewy center which in some of them has the consistency of gum, and in others Tootsie Rolls. Not happy with DumDum purchase. Patch promptly fell off again. Not happy with patch.

Moved patch a couple of inches and waited. Opened and closed a baby barrette repeatedly to give my hands something to do. Ate FOUR DumDums. Paced the house. Walked in and out of the house. Barraged Rich with email to give myself something to do.

Patch peeled up a little but has not fallen off again.

Ate a 5th DumDum.

And it's only 10:47.

EDIT: Patch just fell off again.

Dear Baby- (part 2)

Tomorrow is your one year birthday and I can't believe it. SO much has changed and I've learned so many things. Mostly about myself.

A) Babies like having things their own way. Burger King was BUILT for babies. If things don't go their way, the entire county will hear them.

B) Too bad.

C) Babies don't necessarily LIKE being held all of the time. In fact, some babies would rather be held only when it's in their agenda. See A.

D) Too bad.

E) I don't like babies. Really. Now that you're even closer to toddlerhood I am SO happy I can't even express it. I was just never one of those people who wanted a "baby."

F) Too bad.

G) I think you're probably the best child I could have gotten. Your issues are actually MY issues, and I actually think you're turning me into a better person. I know I'm learning more patience than I ever have before.

So Happy Birthday kiddo.

I love you.

Co-Sleeping

When I was a little girl I primarily lived at my grandparent's house and had to sleep with my grandmom. I apparently used to roll over so much I would push her out of bed and she'd have to get up and switch sides many times overnight. I'm sure she didn't get much sleep, because I'm going through the same thing now.

I've slept with Livvie since she was born. When she was wee it was a lot easier. We had these things they call sleep positioners which are like little bumpers that you place on either side of the baby to prevent rolling. They also kept her in one spot. As she got larger the bumpers didn't work anymore, and that coincided with her overnight sleep issues developing, so we moved to the futon in the living room. For awhile it worked great. We even got a few nights where she slept for 7 hours straight. Then something happened. I don't know what. All I know is that recently the only way she'll sleep is nestled in one of my arms. This leads to...

My grandmom. Every night now Livvie fusses and kicks me all night trying to get herself some more space. I end up having to stand up over and over to switch her from side to side. I've experimented by standing up and leaving her there by herself to see if she'll sleep better, but eventually she realizes I'm not there and she wakes up. My grandmom is having her revenge. I'm positive of it.

Now one would think that all of this would sour me on co-sleeping, but it's not the case. There's something amazingly beautiful about sleeping with your child and having them reach out to touch you in the night that just can't be beat. Well, maybe not. A full night's sleep could make a good run for it.

Five more days

Five more days until we quit smoking.

I'm somewhat excited, but also somewhat sad. I love smoking. It's a nice little friend who is always there right when you need them. Bad day? Smoke. Something awful happens? Smoke. Not hungry? Smoke instead.

Smoking is lovely.

It's also disgusting, dirty, vile, and nauseating. IT KILLS PEOPLE.

I can't wait to smell and taste food again. I can't wait to get rid of my morning Gandalf voice and stop coughing all night long. I can't wait to NOT have to shell out $3.69 a pack for something that is as retarded as burning little pieces of paper and some weeds.

So wish us luck. We're gonna need it.

Baby Sea Turtle

Being Broke Sucks

And KNOWING, just KNOWING that something is gonna happen while you're in dire financial straits sucks too.

Yesterday a pipe burst under the house, spraying water up into the underside of the house. The plumber came today, and upwards of $200 later our pipe is fixed.

However, I had to use a charge card we had completely paid off. This sucks worst of all.

How the hell are you supposed to stay ahead? WE don't have enough cash to buy sufficient groceries, let alone have any in case of emergency.

Thank the gods we aren't planning a birthday party for Livvie for next week. I don't know where we'd come up with the funds.

Blessings

On October 31st my BFF and I will be doing Livvie's blessing ceremony. This is sometimes called a "Wiccaning" if one is a Wiccan. I'm more of a Pagan/Kitchen Witch so while we'll be doing the blessing there will be some Wiccan aspects we'll leave out.

I am excited about this, because she's now old enough where she can disrupt everything and lend some much needed humor to the proceedings.

Here's the other part I'm excited about:

"There are many paths, and each must find his/her own. Therefore I do not seek to bind (baby) to any one path while he/she is still too young to choose. I ask the Lord and Lady, who know all paths, and to whom all paths lead, to bless, protect, and prepare him/her through the years of childhood so that when at last he/she is truly grown, he/she shall know without doubt or fear which path is his/hers."

Righto. The blessing we are asking for is being done FOR her, not TO her. I will say those words above and mean every last one of them. She will have choice. She will have options. If she decides down the road to become a Christian I'll gladly send her off to do that.

So on Halloween my daughter (dressed as a baby sea turtle) and I will be standing outside with her Godmother and asking for goodness and light. Not a bad start to the New Year.

Lithium

I love Lithium.

That's all.

:)

Cats

Can ruin a house faster than any dog. Pee cats (cats who pee outside the box) can do thousands of dollars worth of damage. I love my cats, but yesterday after cleaning out the room that we're going to use for Livvie, I could cheerfully have killed all of them, or even sold them for medical research.

All it takes is for one cat to get the stupid notion in his head to pee outside the box. This is why, for your own sanity, you should never place a litter box on carpet. After the first cat pees it's fair game for the rest of them. And here's the kicker, cat pee can be smelled but not usually seen, and those enzyme cleaners rarely work.

Yesterday I also discovered that anything box like had been fair game for pee as well. The cats went into the closet (!) and peed on boxes that were stored in there and destroyed 2 full boxes of books, a box of clothing, and two quilts that were folded up and stored in there.

We ripped up the carpet and found multiple areas where the pee had gone through the padding and saturated the hardwoods underneath.

Now we have to paint the floor with a sealant to lock in the bacteria and odor, paint the floor white instead of having hardwoods in Livvie's room, and repaint all of the walls (which we were going to do anyway).

And after all of this I will never ever have carpet again. Ever.

Walking