I'm tired

Tired of everything being the same all of the time. Tired of never getting to do anything I "used" to do, like reading a book.

Today I am tired of being a mom.

You know, this little nugget of an essay is awesome: http://jennyquarx.livejournal.com/#asset-jennyquarx-16989

And it's all true. There's nothing like being a mom. It's the greatest joy and responsibility a person can be given. But some days it's downright exhausting. And when those days run into each other, end on end, week after week, well...

Yesterday the kid gave me a break. It's like they know when they're about to cross a line and they back off a bit. I couldn't have asked for a better child the first part of yesterday. By the second half though, we were back to the realm of nightmares. Screaming, not sleeping, inconsolable. The child that's referred to as "high need."

Well you know what? I'm high need too. I have many, many needs that aren't being met. Sleep, cleanliness, food, exercise...

I'd give anything to be able to brush my teeth without her attempting to follow me into the bathroom. Hell, I'd give anything to be able to PEE without her following me into the bathroom. Even when Rich is home she's following me around everywhere; screaming when I'm out of sight. As I type this she's standing with one hand on my knee as if she's claiming a seat.

The only way I keep myself going is to tell myself that when all is said and done, as the years pass, I'm very likely to have a wonderful, sensitive child. But right now, I'm damned tired.