THE STICK IS BLUE!!!!!!

Actually, it's pink, but do you remember that episode of Murphy Brown when she was screaming at Frank when her test came up positive?

Yeah, that was me yesterday.

I burst into tears.

I had no idea what we're going to do. We have very little money and very little space. Those were my primary concerns.

So I've been up since 3am this morning. I couldn't sleep. So many things were rushing through my head that sleep was impossible. These are some of the things that were going through my head:

What if it's twins? I'm old enough now so that's a strong possibility. I don't know what we'd do.

I'm going to be 5 days away from my 38th birthday when this baby is due and Rich will have already turned 45. I just can't believe this is happening.

I guess I have to schedule my first prenatal. That should be in about 4 weeks. I found my old doc, I think I wrote about this, and he's got admittance at an entirely different hospital, so we'll see how that goes.

Rich REALLY doesn't like the name Ronan, so we decided on Brendan Andrew after all. He's not entirely sold on Christine Barbara either, so I'm going to change the middle name and see if that goes over better. Anyone have any good girl names that start with an A? This way the initials for a boy would be BAT and for a girl would be CAT, and it's supposed to be good luck if your child's initials spell a word.

I have supernose. The dog peed on the kitchen rug a few nights ago, and I cleaned it, but sitting here all I can smell is dog piss. I can also smell Livvie's diapers in the trash can as soon as I walk into the kitchen.

I really hope Livvie naps today, but having gone to bed at 545pm I really doubt she will. I wonder to myself how that whole part is going to go. My cousin's daughters were about 17 months apart, and all I can hear in my head is one time on the phone with her she suddenly stopped and hollered, "Erin! Stop kicking your sister in the head!" It made me laugh at the time, but now I wonder if that's what things will be like here.

Livvie will be almost 3 when this kid gets here. Maybe she'll finally be talking. Maybe I'll have been able to potty train her by then. Two kids in diapers is freaking me out. Cost alone is exhorbitant, but what about trying to juggle changing them?

What if Livvie gets jealous because my entire attention isn't focused on her anymore?

What happens if we have to go through colic and reflux again?

What if this kid doesn't sleep either?

WHAT IF IT'S TWINS?????

I've been praying to everyone and everything holy tonight that it's a single baby. I just can't even imagine any other outcome. Well, I can, and the picture ain't pretty. We'd have to move. No two ways about it. Maybe we could get away with 2 more here during the first year, but anything beyond that would be out of the question. And I don't want to move. I love this house. All of my good memories of meeting Rich, getting married, and having Livvie are tied to this house.

Rich doesn't love this house, so I'm sure he wouldn't be overly upset. But I would.

We're both quitting smoking this weekend. I can't quit if Rich doesn't quit so we're both going to do it on his days off so that he won't have to deal with the stress from work. That'll be good. There's diaper money right there.

And man did I want a beer last night. I would have given anything to be able to calm my nerves with a cold one, but that's not going to happen for a long, long time. I did drink some fake beer while I was pregnant with Livvie, so maybe when the urge gets strong enough I can pop open one of those and sit on the deck and relax.

Anyway, that's my story for today. I'm going to sit here today and have a calm nervous breakdown. Hope everyone else has a better day.