Thursday, November 05, 2009

I fibbed the other day

I have more than one treasure chest.

I was going through the kitchen cabinets this afternoon determining what would be moved and what would be tossed. And I reached into the back of one cabinet and pulled out <---this bag.

This bag contains Clancy's last morning.

When I pulled it from the cabinet my face must have changed, because Livvie said, "Ommy's sad." and I choked up and told her that while I was sad, it was an ok kind of sad. I told her to go play in the living room. Only then did I let the waterworks go.

On the morning I fought to save Clancy and had to admit defeat and give up, I drove home from the vet and placed his entire morning in a freezer bag. I took the bag and placed it in the cabinet where I would be able to simply open the door and see it. His entire morning. A single, one gallon sized bag.

The bag contains the puppy pad that I placed on the floor when I was desperately trying to get him to pee as his kidneys shut down. You'll also notice the empty Ringers bag from my last attempt at giving him fluids in order to help that process of peeing along. The small object on the puppy pad is the wrapper from the needle used on the line. 19 gauge. I had some 20s, but I wanted that fluid in him as quickly as possible.

The needle is still attached to the line. Capped, but attached.

I did look at that bag. A lot. Over time though, my pain eased and I didn't pull it out as often, and it got pushed to the back of the cabinet behind baby food and dog supplements and heart worm preventative (I know I'm not the only one who keeps the pet stuff with the baby stuff. And if I am, too bad).

After I pulled the bag from the cabinet today I pushed aside the Interceptor and the Advantix and all of Jonas's new, uneaten baby food and I pulled out The Box. The Box contains the rest of Clancy's last few  months.

An open box of lancets. His glucose meter. The silicone gel I used on his ears to help the blood bead for testing. The last bag of syringes. Cat treats. Rescue Remedy. And his last, open vial of insulin and the unopened insulin that had been on standby.

I could have given away the meter. I could have given away the syringes. At the time of his death we had a cat at the shelter who was diabetic and on the same insulin, and I could have certainly given the unopened vial to them.

I couldn't part with any of it.

I don't know why any of this helps me, but it does. I don't know if I'm completely fucked in the head for caring about one particular cat as much as I did him, and I don't care.

He was my cat of a lifetime.

And every single bit of this is going with me.

I'm still not ready.


Anonymous said...

i still have a 3/4 full coffee can of used syringes from the bunny under the kitchen sink. everytime my mom if over to help me since the broken ankle stuff started and opens that cabinet she asks why i still have those and why don't i throw them out. i can't. same with those last bottles of L in egg tray on door of frig. i need them. i just do.

ada said...

aaawww jules...

Anonymous said...

I know, we still have Freak's box, too. *solemn nod* I also knew that there was the end of a giant chew bone behind the printer table but failed to remove it until we rearranged the downstairs last week.

squirrelgirl said...

I don't think it's strange at all. I have mementos from ALL of my cats - collars, tags, medical supplies, vet records, etc. And I won't let them go even though it's been more than 10 years in some cases. I've kept the nest boxes from my squirrels that passed over the summer; not ready to let them go, either. I don't know if or when I'll ever be ready, and that's OK.

Julie said...

See, it's good to know I'm not crazy. Um, in this case.

Betsy said...

I did "re-home" the last of Tully's syringes. And I've found uses for the lancets here and there. But that last bottle of L is in the door of the fridge, nearly 5 years after his death. I imagine it always will be.

HeatherGroves said...

I scrapbooked the autopsy report from Ollie Cat, along with his admission tag :(

sara said...

i also still have "eli's box"- meter, lancet device, even the vaseline, on the bookcase in the livingroom where it has always been. i still have the syringes, lancets and strips in the kitchen cabinet. i threw away the insulin a few weeks ago, as it was making me too sad to see it in the fridge. i am sure at some point, i'll have another diabetic, either by accident or on purpose. until then though, i agree it is a way of keeping them close... ((((hugs))))