Thursday, November 12, 2009

Primitive Screwheads

prim·i·tive (prm-tv)
adj.
1. Not derived from something else; primary or basic.
2.
a. Of or relating to an earliest or original stage or state; primeval.
b. Being little evolved from an early ancestral type.
3. Characterized by simplicity or crudity; unsophisticated: primitive weapons...

Yada.

I'm not really up on the latest trends. It's not even something that bothers me. Usually.


I have a bread kneading bowl that was carved from a block of wood. It used to belong to someone very special to me, and using it while I pound dough and manipulate it into loaves makes me feel a connection. Mine looks a bit like this one. -----> Coyote mentioned recently that she wanted to start making bread, and as her birthday was fast approaching I figured I'd find a dough bowl for her on eBay. I didn't expect them to be super cheap or anything, but I wasn't expecting what greeted me when I clicked Search: "Wooden Dough Bowl PRIMITIVE!" "Primitive Dough Bowl" and my perennial favorite in such searches, "Wooden Dough Bowl PRIMITIVE! L@@K!!!!!" I clicked on several of them despite my better judgment, and I was, well, horrified. They were insanely expensive. And most of them were useless. Cracks, warping, suspicious discoloration, entire chunks missing. Almost none of them could be used to actually make bread. When I began reading the descriptions I realized that people are using these as knick-knacks in their homes.

Two hundred dollars for a broken piece of wood in order to satisfy a "theme."

I thought about the people, most likely women, who had been the original owners of these bowls, and I could see the eye rolling and behind-the-hand snickering over this obvious sign of mental unbalance in our society. I pictured them thinking, "Oh hell (if they were cussers), you want primitive? I gotcher primitive right here," as they started piling on lapfuls of non-hinged clothespins, wedding ring quilts, hooked rugs, and gingham.

Because you know what I discovered? "Primitive" is the new chi-chi word city people are using for, "Country."

Ok, I'm going to put aside my distaste for that idea in general and how much it gets under my skin. I am, however, going to mention my amusement over yet another scenario that took place in my head.

"Oh! Your place looks so nice! I love country!"

"What? NO! No no no. This is PRIMITIVE."

People will buy anything if you market it to them correctly.


As an illustration, here is a "primitive" cabinet someone was hawking on Craigslist while I was attempting to find an inexpensive recliner. Doesn't it look like they got it at Target? They made sure to mention that the door is an "antique shutter."

I facepalmed.

According to a Craigslist search pie safes are now primitive. So is an old, wooden student desk with an inkwell like my mom used when she was a kid. Outhouses? You betcha. Especially if they have stars on them.

These people would have a heyday in my grandmother's basement. But my grandmother would slap me upside the head if I took advantage of these people. Seriously, from beyond the grave she would let me have it.

Too bad my last name isn't "Barnum."

2 comments:

Chuck said...

Any "Army of Darkness" reference is a winner in my book.

Julie said...

Hail to the King, Baby.