Monday, July 23, 2007

Convenience or Compassion?

I was supposed to have my 17 year old cat Koko put down this morning. She has hyper-thyroid disease, is wasting away, and has been crying in pain for weeks. I attempted to treat her thyroid with pills, but they made her sick and pilling her was a nightmare. I had decided that at the age of 17 it might be better to just let her go with her dignity intact.

Only, her dignity is gone anyway. She doesn't use the litterbox other than to hide in it because the other cats sense her weakness and torture her mercilessly. She won't allow me to show her any affection, preferring to hide away in the "cat bedroom" unless it's time to eat. She's absolutely miserable. So what's my problem?

Rich had to work today and tomorrow and I couldn't figure out how on earth I was going to be able to take a baby with me to have this done. This will be a very private moment between Koko and me, and I can't imagine a screaming child in the room for it. I had to call and reschedule for Thursday when Rich will be home.

The other trouble I'm having is that Koko is crying so loudly overnight that last night she woke Livvie twice. This is where the Convenience part comes in. I'm having trouble reconciling my annoyance with that with the fact that she is truly suffering. Am I doing this for her or for me?

It pisses me off that she didn't get the chance to just lie down and go to sleep one day and not wake up. It pisses me off to be the one to make this decision for her. Is she ready? Maybe not. Am I ready? Not especially. Can I bear to watch her suffer any longer? Hell no. Do I want her to wait for a crisis situation like Clancy, my Cat of a Lifetime had to? Screw that.

All I'm really saying here is that this sucks. The big one. And I'll always second-guess myself.


Safeena said...

Yes, suck it does, and yes, second-guess you will. It's the sad, shitty-iest part of it all.

Who am I? said...

Wish I could help. W is healthy at 16 and I can't imagine how I would take it if I were in your position. *hugs* for you and Koko.

Jennifer said...

Oh man.

I am really sorry about Koko.

Having had to do this to Gilbert almost one year ago, I know how you can second guess yourself, etc.

But I think in the end we really end up doing what is best for THEM.

And you will.

*hugs* for you both.

Erin said...

Julie, I am so sorry that you have to be the one to decide... It is so hard... I will be thinking of you.... ((((hugs)))))

Cynde said...

That really sucks but at least 17 years is a nice long life. Saying that, my biggest freak out of my life was thinking George was going to die. I wish there was an easy way out of it instead of making the hard choices.

jennyquarx said...

I'm so sorry Julie. Big giant hugs.