Thursday, August 16, 2007

I hate myself

I hate being Bipolar. I hate not knowing what's going on in my brain. I hate that meds seem to work for a short time only and not knowing if I need to bump up the dosage or switch meds altogether. I hate that when I get this way the slightest thing like my dog not peeing or my kid taking longer than 15 min to fall asleep will put me in an honest to God, seeing red level of rage.

I hate needing meds at all, and I especially hate needing meds that have no generic equivalent and cost about a gazillion dollars. I hate not having the gazillion dollars to pay out.

I hate that I have to go to the doctor today and I absolutely am furious that the only appointment I could get is a 15 min one. FIFTEEN MINUTES to deal with all of this shit. What the fuck ever.

I hate being a member of this "special little club" although we certainly do have some prestigious members.

Baudelaire

Beethoven

Churchill

Kurt Cobain

Richard Dreyfuss

Patty Duke

Emerson

Carrie Fisher

The Fitzgeralds

Hendrix

The list can go on, but I honestly don't feel like going all the way to Z.

And I am HATING the fact that my child will probably end up this way too. But hell, maybe she'll end up an Emerson rather than a Julie.

5 comments:

Safeena said...

We know your dis-order and especially know the suffering you're going through. Dotter Weswie is rapid cycle bipolar, denies it (again) and refuses medication. One can only pray it loosens it's hold on her as she ages. We commend you for facing it down.

Hate the dis-order, not the dis-ordered, my sweet. You are not your dis-ease.

jennyquarx said...

I hate it too but it's nice (I guess that sounds stupid, it's not nice, but you know what I mean) to not be alone with it. The dog not peeing is one that always sets me off. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Sending Gentle Hugs...

Kimber

Jennifer said...

(((gentle hug)))

I like the Julie one. The best.

And no matter what, Livvie is so incredibly lucky to have you for a Mom.

Cyn said...

Maybe Livvie won't get it. I got something from parents but my brother is just fine in the mental state. Except he does triathlons. That might be a sign he was dropped on his head as a kid though.