Sunday, May 25, 2008

Again?

It's been over a year since I dropped my basket, totally coming unglued, fearing for my life and the life of my kid. It was awful. I was convinced I was going to give up and jump in front of a train or something similar.

Every day when I take my medication I'm grateful that it exists. At this point I've been somewhat comfortable in my head for so long (minus the occasional blip) that I can't even imagine life without them. Ok, sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel good enough that I wonder why I even have to be ON meds, and then I remember that's a trap I've fallen into more than once which ultimately leads to despair. I think I gave up on taking meds 3 times before. Three times that ended up with me behaving like an absolute monster, ruining almost every relationship I had.

Remember back this winter when I went hypo-manic and I was posting up to 3 blog entries a day? Well, we're on our way back ladies and gents. On our way back to that place where everything is wonderful, spending loads of money sounds like a good idea, and writing uncontrollably might even be a blast.

Good thing I have emergency meds. I guess I'll start taking them tonight before bed, as if I take them in the morning I'm basically useless for the rest of the day, drooling onto my child's head, nodding off in the rocking chair.

How do I know this is happening? I'm up to a pack and a half of smokes a day. Yesterday I drank 2 shots of SoCo and 3 gin and tonics and 3 beers. It took that 3rd gin and tonic to get me drunk. I felt like a lightweight until I added up the drinks before falling into a stupor and tossing myself into bed at 9 o clock.

I'm also barely sleeping. As much as I love sleep my need for sleep seems to be decreasing, which bums me out because I really want to stay snuggled in the covers with my head buried in a pillow. I woke up at 630 this morning, Livvie woke up at 8, and I never fell back asleep in that time.

So cross your fingers that the emergency meds work, that I don't in fact empty out my bank account, and that I don't bombard you with nonsensical posts about crabs and various types of booze. I'll let you know if they work. I promise.


7 comments:

LizB said...

It's good that you recognize the signs. Take extra precautions that will help take care of you. Hang in there, girl.

Annie said...

Yes, I agree with lizb. Take your meds and lay off the drink if you can. We'll be sending love and hugs.
You will come through okay.
OXOX

Cyn said...

Keep a watch on it. Posting three times a day though is ok, the rest not so much.

Safeena said...

Nodding along with the others - you know what you need to do, and I'm glad you are making your efforts public. We'll keep an eye on you if you let us.

Dagny said...

hang in there.

xoxo

Danielle Says Hello said...

I hope they work. Praying.

jennyquarx said...

Give your doc a call. There may be something else they can do to bring you down safely and quickly.

Hang in there, big hugs!!