Again?

It's been over a year since I dropped my basket, totally coming unglued, fearing for my life and the life of my kid. It was awful. I was convinced I was going to give up and jump in front of a train or something similar.

Every day when I take my medication I'm grateful that it exists. At this point I've been somewhat comfortable in my head for so long (minus the occasional blip) that I can't even imagine life without them. Ok, sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel good enough that I wonder why I even have to be ON meds, and then I remember that's a trap I've fallen into more than once which ultimately leads to despair. I think I gave up on taking meds 3 times before. Three times that ended up with me behaving like an absolute monster, ruining almost every relationship I had.

Remember back this winter when I went hypo-manic and I was posting up to 3 blog entries a day? Well, we're on our way back ladies and gents. On our way back to that place where everything is wonderful, spending loads of money sounds like a good idea, and writing uncontrollably might even be a blast.

Good thing I have emergency meds. I guess I'll start taking them tonight before bed, as if I take them in the morning I'm basically useless for the rest of the day, drooling onto my child's head, nodding off in the rocking chair.

How do I know this is happening? I'm up to a pack and a half of smokes a day. Yesterday I drank 2 shots of SoCo and 3 gin and tonics and 3 beers. It took that 3rd gin and tonic to get me drunk. I felt like a lightweight until I added up the drinks before falling into a stupor and tossing myself into bed at 9 o clock.

I'm also barely sleeping. As much as I love sleep my need for sleep seems to be decreasing, which bums me out because I really want to stay snuggled in the covers with my head buried in a pillow. I woke up at 630 this morning, Livvie woke up at 8, and I never fell back asleep in that time.

So cross your fingers that the emergency meds work, that I don't in fact empty out my bank account, and that I don't bombard you with nonsensical posts about crabs and various types of booze. I'll let you know if they work. I promise.