Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Too Much

Smoking too much. Can't stop. Feel like my throat has ingested sand. Can't stop coughing. Feel sooooo tired. Don't know what to do.

I've documented my love affair with smoking here before, so I won't bore you now. All I know is that I'm an addict, and it sucks. Goddamn the tobacco companies and their additives. Screw them for making it so hard to quit. And in some packs comes a little pamphlet. "Information for smokers." It's supposed to give you support if you want to quit. Um, how ridiculous is that? Like they even WANT you to quit.

I live in tobacco country where smokes are CHEAP compared to other places. I don't even want to know what they're paying in NYC now. I know that in NJ they're up to about $7 a pack. We're paying $4.14 for a pack at the gas station, and if we get a carton at the grocery store it's $29.50. That works out to $2.95 a pack. It's insane. We often get cartons. The problem with cartons is: we end up smoking too much because we know they're there.

Today I have already smoked over a half a pack, and I've only been up for 5 hours. This should not be. I smoke wayyyyy too much while Livvie naps because there's nothing else to do. I smoke out of boredom. I smoke when I'm hungry. I smoke because it's there.

I really truly need to quit and soon. If Livvie is out on the deck and I smoke a cigarette (about 20 feet away) she stops what she's doing and watches me. I don't want her to know what I'm doing. I don't want her to think it's ok. When she gets older she'll model her behavior on us, and for her to think smoking is just what people do is unacceptable. It sucks.

Given how much I'm smoking right now quitting is going to be super hard. I'm up to a pack and a half a day now, which is even more than the gum or the lozenges are really supposed to be able to handle. The 4mg lozenge says it's for people who smoke within 30 minutes of waking up. Um, try 2 minutes?

That's right. I wake up, go pee, walk outside and smoke. So yeah, 2 minutes. If Livvie wakes up first it might be 5 minutes, because I immediately install her in her high chair and go outside. I don't even wait for my coffee to be done. Smoking comes first.

So I guess it's time to pick a date again. I have no idea when that will be. It really does need to be soon. This is getting unbearable.


Dagny said...

I hear you.

But I know you can do it.

Sometimes it takes a whole lot of trying.

Al and I are nicotine free now for the first time in our relationship. That is a feat.

You guys can do the same.

But dont' forget, we practiced quitting a million times before it took. And I will always be an addict.

Damn you smoking... miss you...

LizB said...

Mike smokes over two packs a day. Smoking is first priority in the morning; he usually smokes before he even pees. Feet hit the floor, and he heads for the porch. Also, when it's time to go to bed, he must smoke one more on the porch before turning in. As a nonsmoker, it could drive me nuts, but all I can do is hope and pray that one day he quits so he can live longer. I do know from watching him that it is very difficult to quit; keep trying though. It's worth it.

Anonymous said...

My dad quit smoking when I was born (slmost 47 years ago now!). My mom didn't quit till I was in college. I've never smoked a cigarette - not one - but I have my own addictions, and I know how hard it is to break an addiction. Fingers crossed for you.


Cyn said...

Damn girl that is a lot. You can do it though, you can quit. Have you prayed about it? Or whatever you feel comfortable doing, ceremonial and what not.