I've documented my love affair with smoking here before, so I won't bore you now. All I know is that I'm an addict, and it sucks. Goddamn the tobacco companies and their additives. Screw them for making it so hard to quit. And in some packs comes a little pamphlet. "Information for smokers." It's supposed to give you support if you want to quit. Um, how ridiculous is that? Like they even WANT you to quit.
I live in tobacco country where smokes are CHEAP compared to other places. I don't even want to know what they're paying in NYC now. I know that in NJ they're up to about $7 a pack. We're paying $4.14 for a pack at the gas station, and if we get a carton at the grocery store it's $29.50. That works out to $2.95 a pack. It's insane. We often get cartons. The problem with cartons is: we end up smoking too much because we know they're there.
Today I have already smoked over a half a pack, and I've only been up for 5 hours. This should not be. I smoke wayyyyy too much while Livvie naps because there's nothing else to do. I smoke out of boredom. I smoke when I'm hungry. I smoke because it's there.
I really truly need to quit and soon. If Livvie is out on the deck and I smoke a cigarette (about 20 feet away) she stops what she's doing and watches me. I don't want her to know what I'm doing. I don't want her to think it's ok. When she gets older she'll model her behavior on us, and for her to think smoking is just what people do is unacceptable. It sucks.
Given how much I'm smoking right now quitting is going to be super hard. I'm up to a pack and a half a day now, which is even more than the gum or the lozenges are really supposed to be able to handle. The 4mg lozenge says it's for people who smoke within 30 minutes of waking up. Um, try 2 minutes?
That's right. I wake up, go pee, walk outside and smoke. So yeah, 2 minutes. If Livvie wakes up first it might be 5 minutes, because I immediately install her in her high chair and go outside. I don't even wait for my coffee to be done. Smoking comes first.
So I guess it's time to pick a date again. I have no idea when that will be. It really does need to be soon. This is getting unbearable.