I'm freaking out. I went to the shrink today, and things went well for the most part. A fifteen minute appointment turned into a 45 minute appointment, but that was expected given how crazy I am lately. I feel pretty comfortable with her again, even after the phone call debacles. That's pretty good. She took me very seriously, and we're switching meds again. The reason for this is that apparently Seroquel causes weight gain, and she doesn't think I need anymore of that. She does want me to keep it on hand for emergencies though. She's going to wean me off of the Abilify, because it's apparently not working any longer, and she's going to put me on an anti-psychotic called Geodon. She says it has fewer side effects, including no weight gain, but according to Jennyquarx it does cause general loopiness. I also have to take it with food, so I guess that means I'll have to start eating breakfast.
I finally got a chance to discuss my anxiety with her, you know, the anxiety about leaving the house because we might get into a terrible accident and Livvie might get killed? I told her that I have no problems leaving the house by myself, or when Rich is driving, but if I'm the one behind the wheel with her in the car I wig out. I know it's ridiculous, and even Rich agrees it's silly. So she's putting me on Clonazepam, an anti-anxiety drug that has less of an addictive value than say, Ativan or Xanax. She wants me to take it the night before I have to go somewhere with Livvie, but not every day. I'm very excited about this, because the panic attacks are just awful.
So why am I freaking out? Well, I now have to see an actual therapist as well to work on the anxiety. A TALK therapist. I don't want to talk. I don't want to open myself up to a stranger at all. I prefer not to spill my guts and possibly end up sobbing my eyes out, and they're very good at making that happen. I sort of like not dealing. I sort of like the idea that meds could temporarily take care of things. I don't WANT to go. I have to go in 2 weeks, and I have a feeling I'll need to take the clonazepam the night before that as well. Did I mention that I don't want to go?
I have to see my regular doc in 2 weeks as well for a med evaluation, and I'm totally fine with that. Another thing I'm dreading though is that I'll have to take Livvie with me to both appointments, and I have a feeling this won't go well. I can't imagine spilling my guts with my daughter in the room.
I also have to get a book to read, called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. Immediately my first thought was, "Oh how retarded is that?" but I guess I'll have to do it.
Now that I have all of that out of the way, I need to tell you that the quitting smoking thing is NOT going well. Although the Seroquel was helping, it just didn't do enough to keep me from wanting to self-medicate. Also, Rich failed miserably, and I simply can't not smoke when he is. It's virtually impossible. So. I'm not certain when we'll try again, but I'm hoping it's soon.
Thank you everyone for sticking with me through this ride. No matter how I might sound, it does make things easier to deal with.