Thursday, April 17, 2008

*sigh*

By 1pm yesterday I was simply numb. I wasn't crying anymore, I was just staring into space and couldn't stop.

I learned that Alan's kids are 3 years old and 2 months old. I can't even imagine what his wife is going to do. Thank goodness the family is rather large, so she'll have a lot of support.

We decided to take Livvie to Falls Dam yesterday afternoon to get both of us out of the house (see left). She was very busy running around, and even took one of the trails down to the end. It was downhill at first, and then on the way uphill I was made aware of how badly smoking sucks.

I needed to see the water. It was very soothing to look at the flow of water on one side of the dam, the part where they empty it into the river. I was still staring off, but it wasn't as empty a feeling to me. It was remembering, and smiling inside, and wondering where he is now. I watched Livvie run around and hoped that she would eventually find a friend so important to her. I also hoped that if so they'd never drift apart.

We got home at about 2pm and I started on the wine at 3pm. I was getting Irish Maudlin Drunk and started to listen to music to make myself even more depressed. Here is "Carrickfergus." For those who have never heard it I recommend the version by The Dubliners. You can find a 4 minute version on iTunes, and a 6 minute version there as well.

Carrickfergus

I wish I was in Carrickfergus, only for nights in Ballygrand
I would swim over the deepest ocean, the deepest ocean for my love to find
But the sea is wide and I cannot swim over and neither have I wings to fly
If I could find me a handsome boatman to ferry me over to my love and die

My childhood days bring back sad reflections of happy times I spent so long ago
My boyhood friends and my own relations have all passed on now like melting snow
But I'll spend my days in endless roaming soft sit the grass my bed is free
Ah to be back in Carrickfergus on that long road down to the sea

And in Kilkenny it is reported there on marble stones as black as ink
With gold and silver I would support her, but I'll sing no more now till I get a drink
I'm drunk today and I'm seldom sober, a handsome rover from town to town
Ah, but I'm sick now, my days are numbered so come all ye young men and lay me down

There was much toasting involved with the drinking, and I was almost face down in my glass by the time I finished at about 10pm. Yep, 7 hours of drinking and getting depressed. Probably not a good idea, but it did manage to help. I might have been staring into my wine, but I no longer felt as numb and detached. 

Thank you everyone for your good thoughts and kind words yesterday. It meant a lot.

4 comments:

Dagny said...

That made me cry, it's beautiful.

((hug))

I'm so sorry. :(

Em said...

A friend of mine died when I was in high school (this is the only real grieving I've experienced)and I can relate to that numb and detached feeling. That was worse then anything. When I found out that he died I could not cry. It took a while but when I finally did I felt better because it felt like something other than emptiness. So, I can understand how the wine helped a bit. It'll probably be off and on for awhile. Take care of yourself!

Annie said...

As many times as you experience death, it never really gets any easier. Getting drunk is good :-) and doing something nice for yourself like going to the water was also good. Be kind to you and baby yourself while you grieve. Time really is the great healer. Much love and hugs.

Cyn said...

My ferrets send hugs.