Thursday, February 28, 2008

I am a BAD Witch

And no, I don't mean a house is going to fall on me and my shoes will be stolen by punks.

I started practicing in 1995. I observed each and every Sabbat, and even some of the Esbats (Sabbats are major holidays, Halloween etc. Esbats are smaller holidays that fall throughout the year). My ex-husband was fine with this, which was good because he would occasionally come into the house to find me at an end table with a circle of string around me, candles, a glass of beer or wine, and almond moon shaped cookies. I liked the cookies a lot.

I had everything a proper witch could want. Tons of reference books, an herb garden complete with worm wood, an athame (see photo above, although mine is not nearly as fancy), a wand, a cauldron, etc. I was so very happy with my path, although I didn't broadcast it. No fancy jewelry, no flowing clothes a la Stevie Nicks, and no visible Magickal tattoos. I was very quiet about it in fact, and no one besides my closest friends even knew.

So time went on, and my life changed. I got divorced and moved into an adjoined apartment, and had barely any furniture at all. I ended up practicing small rituals on my coffee table until I ended up with a desk top computer back in 2004 and needed a place to put it. I still had all of my acoutrements, but they started to gather dust on their shelf. My candles had dog hair stuck to their wicks. I occasionally read my books at night before bed, but really did nothing with them. My herb garden became a rather small pot out on the front porch, and most of the herbs died due to lack of space. It was becoming fairly sad.

I then met my husband to be, and didn't even mention that I practiced magic. I moved in and sort of hoped that all of my books lined up on the shelf would give him a clue, but nothing was said. Apparently he did notice the books, but he never mentioned them as he thought they were simply for reading purposes. The thing is, I stopped reading them, and they became dusty as well. I hadn't touched a ritual candle since 2004, and even then it was for simple candle spell. I even started to forget to observe the Sabbats in any way at all, other than to give them a brief thought and go about my day.

I did practice exactly one time in the past year. I did a healing ritual with two other witches via the internet and set up my altar on the dishwasher of all things. I no longer had any incense, and I used a kitchen knife as an athame. All of my things had been packed away when I moved in with Rich, and I had to make due with what was in the kitchen. I managed to dig up a white emergency candle and some oils to make it "magical," but I could only find a teething biscuit to make an offering. I also used water instead of beer because there was none in the house. It was a pitiful little ritual, but I hoped that the intent would be good enough. Unfotunately a black beetle walked through my circle while I was in the middle of it, and the group ritual failed. I haven't practiced since.

All I have managed to do has been to find a perfect wand branch for Livvie and cut it down to size for when she's older. I managed to order yet another book from the internet, which will probably never be read. I bought some incense and some ritual candles in case of emergency, and for Christmas of 2006 Rich bought me a Celtic ring to represent Livvie, which is the very first piece of magical jewelry I have ever owned, unless you count my wedding ring. I started a circle shaped herb garden in the back yard but let it get overgrown and nasty, as we're in the middle of a drought and I have no time to tend it. I've made small efforts, and I know they're not good enough.

The holiday of the Spring Equinox is coming up soon, and I really would like to observe it, but I probably won't. I'll more than likely simply think, "Huh. It's spring finally," and go about my day.

So I am a Bad Witch. I'd like to be a better one, but it seems as if I'm incapable these days. That's pretty sad to me.


Jennifer said...

Would being my advisor make you more inclined to practice? Because I am so into learning about this.

And try to not beat up on yourself, sometimes life just happens, and even if you are not doing what you think you should be doing, you have the right intent in your heart.


Cyn said...

Have you spoken to Rich about this, this year? He probably has it figured out as he has met you and all.

Maybe make it a point to read a little bit every night (or morning or whatever) and schedule it. I bet if you read your books you will get back into keeping the important days.

jennyquarx said...

I'm a bad witch too. Let's try to keep each other in check this year.

Michele said...

hell, Julie, I'm in a friggin coven for crying out loud, and your post was practically word for word what I would have written.

I don't think we're really bad. we're just going thru a cycle... we can move into another cycle when we're ready, and practice a lot more.

Julie said...

Jennifer- I'm certainly not the one to be able to advise anyone, as I do suck. I can give you helpful hints, but I think you can figure a lot of this out on your own. You can tailor all of it to your personality, and anyone who says differently is a hack.

Cyn- That's a good idea. As soon as I get my new book I'll make it a point to read it at night before bed.

Quarx- I'm totally with you on keeping each other motivated. Let's start with the equinox.

Michele- it's certainly been a long cycle. Hopefully I can get out of it soon.

Annie said...

Hey, I used to be a witch, in my twenties which is long and far away
:-). I gave it up as I finally figured out that what had real power
were my thoughts and words and feelings, now I just pay attention to those things and life goes along pretty good :-). Never beat up on yourself. You are where you are, doing what you are doing and it is all perfect :-).