Friday, February 15, 2008


Ok, so being off meds for 2 days did in fact do something. This morning when I was changing Livvie's diaper she wouldn't stop moving her legs. Annoying, right? Not to me. In the front of my head, just above my right eyebrow, I felt a tingle of rage. The kind of rage where if she hadn't been half naked with the potential to pee on the sofa I would have walked away to get away from it. Otherwise, well, you know... I had to do what I always have to do: pretend someone else is in the situation and I'm just standing by watching.

In retrospect the mania must have been building for quite awhile. I'm assuming the skipped dosages just bumped me over. There can be no other rational reason for smoking a pack to a pack and a half of cigarettes a day when prior I had been smoking 10-15. There can also be no other reason for the copious writing output of the past several days, and yes, Xris, that means I am in fact cheating. Unfair advantage and all that. I also applied full makeup yesterday and polished my nails compulsively. There was no logical reason for this as I wasn't going anywhere at all. I can handle those things. The smoking isn't great, but it only hurts me. The impending rages however, well, that's another story isn't it?

There is a drug called Zyprexa. It's an anti-psychotic primarily used for emergency situations. I'm not sure I've reached the klaxon levels of Code Red yet, so I'll hold off on calling my doctor. I also can't afford it, as once again the copay is $40 and I have no money until tomorrow.

So I'm at a loss for how to get through the rest of the day. I took my meds. Good deal. I guess I'll continue to self-medicate with nicotine until the drugs finally start doing their job again. I also have Lithium on stand-by in my cabinet, which I had stopped taking because I couldn't handle the tremors anymore. Maybe it's time to really take a step back and determine what's more important. Avoiding shaking hands or avoiding harming my child for some stupid small reason. In fact, maybe I'll take one.

I'd really like to avoid the point of breaking things again.


Jennifer said...

Love you. And I am so sorry. :(

Hang in there.


Safeena said...

I wish there were something I could do for you, even at a distance, like send over Super Nanny to take the girl child out for the day, bring you extra smokes, and some Valium.

Your self-awareness is awesome, girl.

((squeezy hugs))

Zyprexa isn't that bad if you don't mind NOT POOPING.

Nina said...

Well, fuck. I was kinda not sure about the going off meds for a few days idea. Now I am sure I don't approve of it. By the way, this sucks. No one should have to go through what you are going through. Fucking manic-depression can kiss our asses, I say.

jennyquarx said...

I'm so sorry honey.

I am confident you can figure this out. I love you.

Cyn said...

Call your doc (I almost typed "dog" there).

Julie said...

Thanks everyone. Yesterday was a particularly bad "kid day" as well, so we'll see if the meds start working again. They didn't seem to help yesterday. HOpefully today the kid will actually sleep and cut me some breaks.

Thanks again. I love you all too!