I took one at 212pm yesterday because my brain was doing its thing. The thing where it starts drying out inside my skull and rattling around. Honestly, it's really like I can actually feel it moving inside my head, and it feels dessicated. So, into my maw went the Seroquel, and within an hour I was so sleepy that I could barely keep my head up. However, the buzzing in my head and the dryness stopped within an hour. I consider that a victory.
I also had way too much caffeine yesterday. I drank 3 cups of coffee and 5 Coke Zeros, and that was contributing to the buzzing as well. Not good. Why on earth I feel the need to do that is beyond me. It's retarded. I made excuses that the coffee was because I was cold, but I'm pretty sure that was bullshit. Just one more way of altering my brain chemistry.
Here's something: my headologist FINALLY called me yesterday, and she was apologetic for not calling sooner. Rich said he should have answered the phone so he could say, "I'm sorry, she's not here. She jumped off a bridge 2 days ago." During our conversation I let her know exactly what's going on; that I'm smoking and drinking too much, and basically writing too much. The writing hurts no one, but I actually got so drunk the other night that I barfed before I went to bed. Lovely image isn't it? I've become ridiculous, and it really needs to stop.
It hurts me that all of this is so obvious, and was to everyone else long before it was to me. I thought I knew myself better than that. It's completely insidious to the person experiencing it, which is why one needs to have supportive people around.
On a lighter note, well, I don't know if there even IS a lighter note. I'm pretty sure all of you are tired of the shit going on in my head, but I think I'll have to write about it until the meds seriously start working. Oh, I know what I can mention. Rich had decided that he wanted to quit smoking with me, but his date was March 1st since he said he can't quit on a work day and tomorrow will be easier for him. So I'll quit with him tomorrow because I can't NOT smoke if he's smoking. I plan to go buy a pack of Marlboro Reds today, since I've been smoking Ultra Lights for years, and I'm pretty sure an afternoon of smoking hard core will make me want to quit for sure. They're pretty harsh, and I might even have the good fortune of waking up with a sore throat tomorrow morning. Why is that good? Well, the only times I have been able to quit for any length of time prior to this was because I got sick and couldn't smoke. Hell, maybe I'll even wake up with bronchitis tomorrow and really not even WANT to smoke. Or hell maybe I'll chew on the Bloomin' Ashtray and make myself gag. Yes I know, I'm pitiful.
Have a great Friday everyone. I'll try to be cheerier tomorrow.