Thursday, February 21, 2008

Ouch Part 2


Yesterday we put a rug down that Rich bought. It's an absolutely lovely rug, and he has very good taste. Good job Rich. Anyway, in order to do so we had to move the recliner to the other side of the room, and that required moving it twice. To do that I had to squat and lift with my legs. Do you see where this is going? If not, let me tell you that my thighs hurt so badly today I might as well have bicycled 10 miles. So ow. I'm going to have to stretch today.

Not much happening here except my mania is subsiding. This is a good thing, although I'm worried that I'm going to swing too hard the other way. I simply don't trust my meds yet. My anxiety seems to have lessened though, as I went to the grocery store yesterday with only the slightest tinge of a feeling that something awful would happen on the short ride. Yeah, I figured out that's what's going on. I've been absolutely terrified that while driving some asshat would run a stoplight or somesuch and completely destroy our lives forever. If I leave Livvie home with Rich to run errands I have no anxiety at all. When I put her in the Jeep, however, well I'm just a nervous wreck. And that's ridiculous.

I can't stand feeling this way. And I don't just mean the anxiety. I hate having to be on meds for the rest of my life, and I REALLY hate knowing that if I don't take them I could ruin everything I have. Rich and I had some very bad times before I saw the doctor last April. Yes, it's been almost a year since I took my ass to the headologist to fix everything. Not everything was fixed, obviously, as the chemistry experiment (as Nina calls it) had to be tweaked constantly until we found what worked. During the tweaking I was swinging this way and that, and often exploding with rage for absolutely stupid reasons. I'm still experiencing rage when for instance my dog Emma won't pee when I take her out. Rich shakes his head at that, and he thinks I'm silly for getting so mad, and frankly I am. How useless is it to get angry over such a little thing? SO angry that if I weren't on meds I'd be tempted to tear the dog's head off. Rich can tell when my meds aren't working to their full potential, and he watches me like a hawk. I actually appreciate this about him, because he's honest enough to tell me when shit ain't working and I need to get a grip.

So I'm going to trust him right now to watch me and tell me if I'm starting to get depressed. And if my posts start to get too maudlin I'm going to trust all of you too, because I know you're honest as well. I hope that doesn't happen. I hope the chemistry experiment is finished.


jennyquarx said...

Nice rug.

Yeah being on meds forever sucks but it sure beats the alternative. Just look at it like vitamins. Keeping you healthy.


Nina said...

A used to call this the "weather" in my head. Oh and I would definitely get seething mad at the dog for not peeing outside when it was convenient for me. Because I am like that too.

Anonymous said...

I hope the chemistry experiment is over, too.

So ya know, stop swinging you kinky trollop! ;)

Safeena said...

I will watch over you. Promise. My two best friends are manic depressives, one of them rapid cycle (Weswie).It is likely that the things that make the illness so unbearable are also the things that make these people so delightful. You-all are certainly not boring.

Funny, both of them are Texans,and one will show up at my doorstep tomorrow evening.

Jennifer said...

yes, like brain vitamins.

And I like your rug. :)

LizB said...

Adjusting to new meds is a chore, but I concur with Jenny -- the meds are better than the alternative.