$113

That's how much it will cost me today to refill all of my meds. I've been off my meds for 2 days because we were dirt broke. Nothing terrible has happened though, which is good. I'm assuming there's a half life there that helps out for a few days.

Of course, I did realize yesterday that I was self medicating with an entire bottle of wine plus a beer. Wine is funny for me. It gets me drunk. Why is that funny? Because I can drink 4-5 bourbon and cokes PLUS 3 beers and not feel a thing. By my second glass of wine I'm ready to dance on a table while people throw french fries at me.

Our state refund was deposited last night which is the only reason I can even afford my meds. Otherwise I was going to have to wait until Friday, by which time something terrible could have absolutely happened. And by terrible I mean things like spending money in my account that I don't have and going overdraft, which would then earn me penalties of $35 per transaction. My mother once deposited $300 in my account and when she got the deposit slip back it said that I had $46 in my account. She was PISSED. And yes, twice a month I receive an allowance from my mother. She does this so that I can have my "inheritance" while she's alive to see it making a difference. Whatever her reasons, it's the only way we could survive some months.

I need to see my shrink sometime in the next month because I completely skipped my December appointment with her. She was kind enough to speak to me on the phone at no charge, and what struck me about that is that the call lasted approximately 4 minutes. I usually have a 15 minute "medication management" appointment with her every 3 months, and those cost me $68. I had expected to be charged for the phone call, but she took pity on me and made sure I had refills called in and also took my word for it that things were going ok. I think she usually relies on the way I behave in her office to see if I need my meds uppped or downed. I don't want to go to the next appointment since my management apparently requires less than a 5 minute conversation, but I guess I must. I'm not certain that my Lamictal is working to its full extent as I have had panic attacks surrounding leaving the house on a regular basis. I'd like a scrip for Xanax, but generally shrinks won't prescribe it often as it's about as addictive as heroin. Or cigarettes. Which leads me to discuss...

I smoked 26 cigarettes one day last week. Yes, 26. I also think this is related to anxiety and panic, but it needs to stop. So please if you can wish me stop smoking vibes. I've picked February 29th to quit, and this time I'm going cold turkey since the patch seems to not help at all.

That's it for today. I'll catch you all tomorrow.